By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
By Roy Edroso
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
By Zachary D. Roberts
I keep talking about the drop in cop killings and no one figures out that they've fallen a tiny percent of the drop in the murder rate, or the drop in the number of shots fired by perps at cops. Hell, there've been twice as many cop suicides in my five years than there've been cops dying on duty, yet Howard and I can always make them look like victims laying their lives on the line. Maybe Howard does deserve an Oscar!
Every new number is another opportunity! How about me pushing the Dow over 10,000! I was right there with Grasso for the clanging of the very, very big bell! All it took was giving the Stock Exchange $560 million for a new home and it got me on CNN. Four hundred fifty thousand fewer slugs on welfare! Seven thousand people alive who would've been killed if I hadn't stopped murderers in their tracks! A couple hundred thousand new private sector jobs! A stat for every occasion! And if the crime figures go up, we've got Reverend Al to blame. If the job numbers go down, we've got Al Gore.
I'm sailing toward the Senate. Bruno and Powers and the Washington Republicans will make sure Pataki can't stop me. Mucha ain't much! And Hillary hardly looks like she's in fighting shape to me. She's got hips the size of Harding's. Murdoch's gonna send her so many warning shots Bill is gonna start looking good to her. Bring back Vince Foster! Send the SCU after Ickes! Everything's so beautiful I can turn these teeth into a smile at the drop of an illegal stock tip! If I beat Hillary, who can doubt I'm presidential timber? And if I run strong against her and lose, Governor Palooka better watch out in 2002! I figure Hillary takes six months to decide no and then I do the Nada to Nita!
They say I don't play well enough with others to succeed in the Senate. They say I'm a command freak. They even carry signs with me in Hitler drag. I say the worst elements of society are Rudybashers. To attack me is bias just like attacks on blacks are bias. We have every protester's face on videotape. My memory is as wide as my forehead. When I get to Washington, I'm going to create the Senate Police and we will see how well I play. I get mad andget even.