Battle of the Dishes: Yuppie Dog Bones Vs. Old-School Dog Bones


Now that it’s possible to put your dog on a raw diet, to make him pop anti-depressants, and to buy him a jogging suit, Fork in the Road thought that a taste test of yuppie versus old-school dog treats was in order. (Hey, it’s late August.)

Luckily, Fork in the Road has a canine taste-tester named Jack. Jack the dog generally occupies himself by laying around, and by using Jedi mind tricks to try to get people to part with their sushi, or vanilla ice cream. He is a little strange.

Our hypothesis was that these “Holistix” dog treats are really for the owner, not the dog. The dog doesn’t give a shit that the treat is “all-natural” and contains cranberries and flax. The dog wants to eat a cookie, and get a scratch behind the ear, the end.

Were we right?

Holistix proudly notes that their biscuits include spelt, flax seed, cranberries, blueberries, sweet potatoes, and alfalfa. The first five ingredients are chicken, ground barley, ground flax, ground spelt, and chicken fat. (Mmm.) The implication is that if you buy these treats, not only are you a better human, but also your dog will never, ever die.

Milk-bone says, “The joy of snack time, everyday!” Something we can get behind. On the back, blond people cavort with blond puppies, all of them with mouths wide open in glee. And there’s a little story about Milk-Bones being invented at a bakery on the Lower East Side, which we did not know.

So we set out the two different kinds of treats–Holistix and Milk-Bone–and let Jack at them.

To our embarrassment, Jack went straight for the yuppified biscuits and crunched them down. He tried one bite of the Milk-Bone, coughed a little, and gave up on it.

This proves once and for all that Jack thinks he’s better than us.

Finally, we commenced the (totally inadvisable) human taste test. The Milk-Bone smells like cereal, and is so hard it might break your teeth. It tastes like cardboard with a little bit of unsalted wheat germ. It’s disgusting. The Holistix smells grainy and funky. It’s much softer, like All-Bran, and sweetish. It’s slightly less disgusting. So humans and dogs are unanimous–fancy dog cookies taste better.

Archive Highlights