The 50 Worst Songs of the ’00s, F2K No. 20: Gym Class Heroes, “Taxi Driver”


F2K is a countdown of the 50 worst songs of the decade. Track our progress here.

Since emo already ruined rock music for a generation, why not just take rap too?

The star-bellied sneeches in sulk-rap crew Gym Class Heroes came up through the Warped Tour, were then hustled through the Fueled By Ramen ranks, and now get their tracks produced by Fall Out Boy Patrick Stump. Essentially, they rank somewhere between Bo Burnham and Joanna Newsom as the decade’s most famous rappers that no actual rap fan would ever touch.

Their mercifully short debut single “Taxi Driver” was their chance to tell the world “We’re here, we rock, and we have the record collection of a 15 year old.” In the track, Travis McCoy shuffled the names of 26 emo/punk/sadsack bands into what technically passes for rhymes. It’s just like GZA did with the names of record labels on Liquid Swords, except some of the record labels that GZA mentions actually put out good music once in a while. If anything this song is a good archeological exercise for “I Love The ’00s” scholars to learn that bands called “Planes Mistaken For Stars” and “The Early November” once walked the earth with impunity. Combine that cutie-poo concept with some sub-Crazy Town funkless muck and you’ve got an adorable recipe for a sprinkling of hip-hop sawdust atop the rock-vomit covering the Hot Topic dressing room floor.

It will take you take no further than the first line to mentally file this under “unfortunate concepts.”

“I took a Cutie for a ride in my Death Cab…”

The fact that they’re auditioning for anything beyond a high school talent show with this precious dreck is simply stunning.

I could still see her Bright Eyes like Sunny Day Real Estate

OK, seriously, dudes needed to get fucking punched in the balls. Instead America made them millionaires.

Just put on this Coheed and Fall Out/Boy meets girl, Jimmy Eat World

[[Ed note: this part was conscientiously edited out after realizing that Village Voice readers may not want to read 12 pages of the meaningless letter combos formed while Weingarten pounds his fists into his laptop for 20 minutes.]]

It’s way too easy to pull out my old pompous Brooklyn beardo trucker-hatted hipster know-it-all schtick on these four clowns who are obviously sincere about their love for stuff like Hey Mercedes. But it’s honestly a feat of emo science that four people could write a song where they namecheck 26 bands they love and the best one is My Chemical Romance–unless you count accidental word bands like “kiss,” “can,” or “ride.” I’m gonna use my check from this article and buy these guys a Neu! record or something. You can find something that rhymes with “Neu,” right?

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