Bedbugs (pictured right) — which closed down Hollister’s flagship store in Soho yesterday — have now made their way down to the tourist haven that is the South Street Seaport, where they’ve taken over … Hollister’s parent-brand, Abercrombie & Fitch!
More like Abercrombie & Itch. Amirite? Via the Wall Street Journal:
The company will be temporarily closing its Abercrombie & Fitch South Street Seaport store to “deal with a similar problem” [to Hollister’s] according to the spokesman. In a letter to Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Abercrombie chairman and CEO Michael S. Jeffries asked for “leadership and guidance” on how best to address the problem. Susan Craig, a spokeswoman for the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, said, “It is the responsibility of companies to handle bed bugs on their own.”
The Abercrombie & Fitch Fifth Avenue store has been tested and is bedbug-free, the spokesman said.
Yes, every time I get “The Itch,” I ask our mayor for help, too. Now if only Bloomberg could advise the denizens who shop there to get tested. For bugs. And by “bugs,” I mean “HPV.” Oh, and also, their stock price is up over $1 from trading yesterday, or something, because god knows if there’s a company that can sell an itchy lifestyle that skeeves out everyone but consumerism-drunk teenagers, it’s this one.
More importantly, you know how this ends, right? It starts out with a few bugs causing the closure of one or two douchewear stores, and ends with the threat of us being enslaved and our only hope being Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that soon is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom … Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution … but from annihilation. From bedbugs.