There’s been a spree of drunk toddlers of late. Perhaps that brazen child who wrecked the bar in the short film “Las Palmas” has been a bad influence. Perhaps that was just a short film that no babies watched anyway. But either way, in the span of one week, we have been faced with not one but two drunk baby stories: The tale of the child who unwittingly swilled a margarita at Applebee’s, and the child who was given boozy sangria at the Olive Garden. The right people are doing the right things to stop this sort of ridiculousness (we suggest flogging the culprits heartily so they never waste alcohol on an undeserving toddler again!), so we won’t get involved with that. Instead, we’ll tell you how to know if you happen to have a drunk toddler on your hands. Knowing, as they say, is half the battle.
1. Your drunk baby will behave erratically. If your sober baby usually alternates between tears and pooping himself, your drunk baby will begin to exhibit odd habits like “raising the roof,” taking off his top and whipping it around his head while asking for Joe Francis, and attempting to do keg stands. Your drunk baby might also say “‘hi’ and ‘bye'” to the walls, as did little D.J. Dill-Reese, who got booze instead of apple juice at, oddly enough, Applebee’s.
2. Your drunk baby may lose muscle control. If your baby lays his head down on the table and leaves it there for more than 5 seconds, it is time to go, because you are about to get kicked out. However, if your drunk baby stumbles, it may just be because he is a baby.
3. Your drunk baby will have bloodshot eyes. They also may be dilated, as in the case of Nikolai Heest, who got sangria instead of O.J. at a Florida Olive Garden. Your baby’s eyes might also become heavy-lidded, glassy, or beer-goggled. Despite this, your drunk baby will think he looks really hot in photos.
4. Your baby might be a bad drunk, in which case he will begin to shout obnoxiously or, also like Nikolai, get restless, start climbing on furniture, and become “loud.” When shushed, your drunk baby will make rude gestures.
5. Your drunk baby might flirt with you. Watch out for this just before last call; it may not mean that your drunk baby actually likes you, or wants anything serious.
6. Your drunk baby may express a desire for more of that delicious golden-honey nectar of the goddesses in that sippy cup, and become irate when he is told no, screaming “No one tells me what to do! You are not the boss of me!”
7. Your drunk baby will not listen to reason.
8. Your drunk baby will slur his words in a way that seems, to the trained ear, almost mocking.
9. Your drunk baby will tell you that you’re an old stick in the mud and what happened to the old you, the one that used to cut back and have a little fun now and again? Your drunk baby will suggest shots. Your drunk baby will grab a section of a chicken finger, or perhaps an entire Olive Garden breadstick, and throw it at your head when you say shots are a bad idea. You will think to yourself, “my drunk baby is mean.”
10. As he is being escorted from the restaurant, your drunk baby will spit up on you. He will pass out in the car on the way home, and you will have to put him to bed. The next morning he will remember nothing. Trying to extract an apology will be useless. He can’t say much anyway.
Under no circumstances should you allow your drunk baby to drive drunk, even if he grabs your keys and puts them in his mouth. This is a public danger, and could lead to punishment for you and your baby. Also, this is satire.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on April 13, 2011