Don’t Be a New Year’s Amateur: Your Guide to the Most INSANE Last-Minute Parties

Tomorrow night is New Year’s Eve, when all your friends will be at the event they bought tickets for months ago. “We bought our tickets months ago!” your friend Drew will say over FaceTime at 11:55 p.m., an expertly curated craft cocktail in one hand and a scrumptious local small bite in the other. Don’t panic: there are still plenty of fun, not-crowded events to behold on New Year’s Eve for procrastinating people like you who just want to be someplace warm where they belong. Don’t you want to belong?*

Diamond Dick’s on South Canal is ringing in 2017 with a model U.N.-themed rager. Each $150 ticket gets you unlimited Yuenglings and one of those wood-paneled nameplates with the white lettering on it. An extra $30 gets you into the Security Council Lounge, where DJ John Scary will be spinning hits until 4 a.m. and soundproof booths will allow you and your date to scream at each other about Israel.

Fat Nick’s knows that the worst part of any New Year’s Eve party is the long line to the bathroom — by the time you go and come back, it’ll be next year! That’s why Brooklyn’s hottest gastropub is installing fifty speciality Toto toilets in their dining room for the ultimate Flush-and-Grind dancefloor experience. A $150 ticket gets you five (5) flushes and seven (7) of those chicken skewer things that you stick into a half a lemon once you’re done.

Derek’s Shimmy Sham Blast Off turned heads last year when the SoHo art space/hardware store dumped 100,000 pounds of live snails into a giant immersion blender at the stroke of midnight. This year promises to be equally controversial but also way more chill: $150 gets you unlimited rail drinks until 11 p.m., when members of the Chosen Collective will reveal themselves and pick six attendees to be saved.

Sweet Dee’s Rat Pit is the only party in town offering guests both $5 mixed drinks (vodka only) AND one complimentary rat — yours to pit against the competitor of your choosing! Got your eyes on that bearded hottie across the ring? Flirt your way into 2017 while your mangy, wild-eyed rodents tear each other to shreds to the twisted beats of DJ Fruit Fly. Winner buys the body shots (vodka only)! Tickets available at sweetdeesratpit.ru, enter code BLEEDBABY for $2 off. AMEX only. Formal attire required.

SofaSloth, the hot new app from the creators of Hangrs & Mash, have disrupted New Year’s Eve for those who just feel like staying in. Just swipe your choice of Barefoot wine (liters only) and a SofaSloth rep will deliver it to your apartment, along with a single glass and six curated text message scripts written by George Saunders’s grad students to send to your exes. SofaSloth is still in round three of its shoulder-angel financing, so it’s free (after you enter your Social Security Number).

The “Ultimate” FUCK 2016 Soiree asks, did 2016 make you wish you could go back in time, tap your parents mid-coitus, and ask them to “stop, please”? If so, this is the New Year’s bash for you. Part Burning Man, part Chuck E. Cheese ball pit, part Rosemary’s Baby orgy scene, part endoscopy, this event has it all: Get cozy in the Letter Room, where you can pen desperate pleas to your future children to learn from your mistakes and stop using fossil fuels. Soak up some filth in Garbage Fire Chateau, where you can bathe naked in actual trash with an attractive (or not — it’s 2016!) stranger. Still feel like dancing? You won’t after our professional kidnappers bind your legs and wrists with rope (vegan option available upon request), tape your mouth shut, and leave you outside in the rain. $2,000 per person; $20 for couples.

Golgotha House is once again offering its (in)famous secret prix fixe dinner, deep in the bowels of the city! At 6 p.m. sharp, diners will line up outside the East Broadway subway station (Essex Street entrance), where a man wearing a mink cummerbund will hand you a prairie dog skull. This is your ticket — don’t lose it! From there you’ll receive your complimentary blindfold and board the Chinatown bus, which will whisk you to your Secret Destination (after a few quick, unrelated errands). Once inside, it’s time to PARTY! Because the space is SUPER illegal, organizers ask that cell phones be turned off and that guests refrain from noise-making, particularly speaking, for the duration of the 8.5 hour meal. Warning: There are no bathrooms on the premises, so anyone in need of facilities should plan on making arrangements prior to departure. Tickets are $150.

*A sense of belonging is subjective, also none of these events are real.