Nikon at Jones Beach 2010 Summer Schedule Proves, Once Again, That All Under-40 Adult New Yorkers Are Drunks

With the Rihanna/Ke$ha bill already announced for Nikon at Jones Beach Theater this summer, a pop-superheroine double-threat that Nicki Minaj sadly abandoned, there was a momentary glimmer of possibility that the Lon Guyland outdoor amphitheater’s other bookings would give metropolitan lollygaggers another reason to voyage to the land of camera sponsorships and alcohol-free concerts. Take in the spectacle, breathe fresh air, not smell decaying rats, etc. Not exactly.

This summer’s nearly complete Jones Beach Schedule arrived in our inbox this morning, which makes today, as Wikipedia tells us, “a sort of holiday for Long Island music fans.” So we learn. But as given as we are to random, possibly harrowing excursions, Jones Beach seems a little too far outside our wheelhouse. Why? Because this summer’s line-up confirms, once again, that no one under 40 who doesn’t know the lyrics to “Sample in a Jar” goes to dry outdoor-amphitheater concerts. Except for John Mayer fans–but if you’re on the record like that and you’re not Marc Hogan, your idea of getting wild is eating a lot of chocolate. To wit, the full roster:

JETHRO TULL
Procol Harum

COBRA STARSHIP
3OH!
Travie McCoy, I Fight Dragons

STYX
FOREIGNER
Kansas

SCORPIONS
Cinderella

YES
PETER FRAMPTON

311
THE OFFSPRING
with special guests Pepper

CHICAGO
THE DOOBIE BROTHERS

MEAT LOAF

SANTANA
with special guest Steve Winwood

JOHN MAYER
Train

RUSH

STING
The Royal Philharmonic Concert Orchestra
conducted by Steven Mercurio

GOO GOO DOLLS
with special guest Switchfoot

103.5 KTU’s BEATSTOCK

PHISH

DAVID GRAY
RAY LAMONTAGNE

CROSBY, STILLS & NASH

CREED

JIMMY BUFFETT
& The Coral Reefer Band

Nikon at Jones Beach 2010 Summer schedule, dates, ticket info here. A wide variety of flasks over here. You’re welcome.