By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
It's been a banner month for atonement. Giants quarterback Kerry Collins expressed regret yet again for his alcohol problem, and the Big Creep himself copped a plea. As for Jackson, he's no stranger to contrition, having spent more time than the pope apologizing to Jewswith less reason. As a practiced penitent, Jackson had no trouble advising Bill Clinton that the best way to put his sins behind him was to tender an apology. By stiffing the public, Clinton added immeasurably to his problems, but once he begged forgiveness his popularity soared. Like countless politicians, celebrities, and champions who have paraded their penance before the cameras, Clinton learned to play his part in the great American repentance rite.
In this land of milk and media, the fall from grace has become a genre. Call it the sit-sin. In the first segment, you do the dirty deed. Then, after the commercials, you get caught. But just before the credits roll, you offer it up to some higher power. If you keep a humble mien, chances are very good that you'll be back next week.
Of course, some sins are beyond repair. Jimmy Swaggart never benefited from his confession, but one suspects that the excessiveness of his apology had something to do with it. Downcast eyes are one thing, a flood of tears quite another; the idea is to provide a spectacle of humiliation, not a discomforting display of pain. You could argue that the Kennedys' crimes are too heinous to qualify for forgiveness, but it's also true that liberals have more trouble transcending their transgressions than conservatives do. Scandals are a major weapon of the right, yet these same folks tend to forgive their own. Witness the easy ride Newt Gingrich, Bob Barr, Henry Hyde, and Helen Chenoweth (to mention just a few Republican adulterers) have had. Deposed House speaker Bob Livingston is doing quite nicely as a lobbyist. And Representative Dan Burton, who sired a love child, got reelected.
As for celebrities, we're willing to forgive an errant blowjob if it makes for a good punch line. Hugh Grant repented on no fewer than five TV shows, regaling his audience with double entendres. (George Michael never got to joke about his toilet bust, but then, there's nothing funny about a man who would rather give than receive in oral sex.) Pee-Wee Herman lost his gig as a kiddie icon after wanking at the movies, but he went on to appear in more than a dozen films. The oft indicted Robert Downey Jr. won a Golden Globe award. And athletes can get away with pretty much anything as long as they apologizethough they might have to sacrifice a sneaker endorsement along the way. Even Marv Albert has returned, proving that no sin short of bad hair is too mortal for a comeback.
When a 17th-century diplomat, the Duc de la Rochefoucauld, called hypocrisy "the homage vice pays to virtue," he never imagined the current American spin. We've learned to use repentance as an instrument of freedom. It's not just the (ultimately sadistic) pleasure of the apology that we savor; it's the good news that we can sin and still maintain our virtue. In a culture where virginity is regained at the signing of a pledge to screw no more, penance allows us to do as we please in the near certainty that, by making amends for our trespasses, we can keep the hymen of respectability intact.
Churches once had repentance stools for sinners to sit on, and the custom we inherited from the Scots was for penitents to appear barefoot in a white smock, carrying a white wand. But as America becomes the land of second chances, the white wand has been desubstantiated into a shot at 15 minutes of rue. These days, the sinner simply enters the studio at a propitious moment in the news cycle, repents, and is reborn.
As a mediator of morality, this ritual is perfect. It preserves the ideal while allowing for considerable departure. You can have your cakeor cokeand repent of it, too. Nothing suits this synthesis of hedonism and hypocrisy like adultery, an act practiced by between 25 and 50 percent of married American men (depending on whether you believe Kinsey or more recent surveys) and half as many married women. Yet 80 percent of us believe adultery is wrong. One way to make this disjunction disappear is to create a system that allows for infidelity as long as it's processed. It's only when an adulterer defends that choiceor denies any guilt despite proof to the contrarythat the fragile foundation of this edifice begins to crumble. And God help the Republic when the unrepentant bounder is the president.