Dear Single Women of NYC: It's Not Them, It's You.

The plight of the single lady

Dear Single Women of NYC: It's Not Them, It's You.
James Worrell

My years of New York City dating—if you're counting, there have been 12—have involved a lot of guys, short- and long- and mid-term. My longest relationship lasted two years. My shortest—minus the one-off hookups that we all know aren't "dates" at all—was somewhere in the range of two weeks. There have been certifiable crazies, like the Eastern European fellow who broke my bedroom window in a fit of rage and told me not to complain that he'd broken my "fucking window." There was the Jersey boy who worked in women's handbags; fond memories involve him drunk-puking at the Hilton, then giggling hysterically, running, and "hiding" our soiled comforter in front of someone else's door down the hall. There was the super-successful corporate honcho with a cardboard box for a nightstand. The best friend with whom I had zero sexual attraction. The self-described "bi-coastal but not in a gay way" guy who didn't come home one night because he'd passed out in a planter underneath the Manhattan Bridge. (We continued to date for at least a month after that.)

Their ages have ranged from nearly 15 years younger than me to going on 15 years older. There were Peter Pan Syndrome–afflicted man-children, full-fledged adult males with zero desire to grow up, maybe ever. There were drunks and drug addicts and maybe once a teetotaler. There were Christians and atheists and Jews. There was a clammer from Cape Cod—a real, live clammer, with his very own waders. There was a man who shaved everything . . . down there . . . every single day. There was the dashing Argentinean only in town for a week; the Ronkonkoma deli worker barely old enough to drink; the beleaguered i-banker who came over regularly just to pass out on my couch. And I can't forget the "totally eligible" magazine editor who moved to the suburbs while we were dating, convinced me to take a bus to visit him, showed off his two-story brick house with granite kitchen counters and an actual backyard, as if knowing it was exactly what I aspired to—and then promptly married someone else. There were men who have dropped me on my head, literally and figuratively. I could show you bruises.

At some point, I yelled at almost all of these men for not being "what I wanted," and, as we all do, turned to my female friends for consolation and support. "He doesn't deserve you," they would say, my own Greek chorus. "You're so much better than him." Then, inevitably: "Why are New York men such assholes?"

If you're a single, heterosexual woman of a certain age living in New York City, you've surely heard some version of the lament more times than you can count: "There are no good single men living in New York City! They're all gay or taken!" It's followed by various tales of woe regarding "typical NYC jerks" and the evils they have inflicted upon amazing, upstanding, attractive, intelligent, high-powered New York City women who are so much better than the men they date.

You've probably met more than a few aesthetically, shall we say, "uneven" couples, in which the man is short, pudgy, bald—or distractingly hirsute—with one of those pudding faces only a mother (or gold-digger) could love. He's impossibly rich, and his lady-friend could model for a living, and possibly does. Also, he cheats on her. Only in New York!

And you've probably heard, and maybe retold, the modern-day relationship folk tale of that friend of a friend who, after "unsuccessfully" dating in New York for years, met her amazing husband while living or vacationing in Austin, or Boston, or Paris, or Rio, and then brought him back—or moved there herself. Because, you know, you just can't find a decent dude in this city. It's impossible. Those who do it are the exception, not the rule. Ask anyone.

Maybe saying and hearing this makes single women feel better. It enforces the belief that there is such a thing as a "plight" of the single lady, and that women can't be blamed for our lack of success in the New York City relationship game. It's them, not us.

The problem is, it's patently untrue. Worse, it's a cop-out.

New York City, to be fair, suffers its share of problems for the female dater. There are more women than men, which everyone loves to bemoan as the cold, hard cornerstone of this city's relationship difficulties. According to statistics collected by Richard Florida, author of The Great Reset and director of the Martin Prosperity Institute at the University of Toronto, single women currently outnumber single men in New York by 149,219. This is based on data from the U.S. Census, which, it bears mentioning, does not ask to identify sexual orientation. The good news: This number has actually decreased from 2008's woman-surplus of 210,000, a gap that caused Lysandra Ohrstrom, writing for the Observer, to unleash the ominous decree that "savvy, well-educated women hoping to find a mate and settle down are out of luck."

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15 comments
jason1137
jason1137

Well with so many women nowadays that like sleeping around, it is really very hard for them to settle with just One Man.

melshutson
melshutson

It doesn't matter where you are, the demand for the most attractive women vastly exceeds the supply!

ppatricia221
ppatricia221

I honestly believe and stand firm on this that it has nothing to do with the amount of women ratio to men, nor does it have to do with where you point the finger to but everything to do with mis communication among any age group and the unfortunate mistake of meeting the wrong individuals during a point within your life which leaves you fear to commit to the next individual totally and unconditionally, yes we all would love to meet the movie character that men portray on television but in real life what every woman needs and dreams about is simply feeling the chemistry knowing that the feelings are mutual and feeling respected, wanted as well as needed.  Sex is something that we all need but it is not the binding ingredient that keeps two individuals together forever and it is not true that men will commit to those that do not give in, it does not really make a difference on how it happens or why, it is something that many have tried to figure out and are still baffled about the ingredients that are needed to make that special combination that pushes you to make the final commitment to that one and only.

It is not the money, the job, or what you can offer it is the sparks that we feel for the individual we are with and want to spend the rest of our lives with.

Yes once the sparks are there then of course having the other important factors in place make it that much better, but truly men and women waste too much time with games and lies and in the interim end up losing many great friendships, perfect lovers and future soul mates and all due to listening to stupidity that others tell us or how or why things happen.

When a real relationship is meant to be it will be against all odds and if it is not meant to be it is not.  I lived most of my life in New York city and I have met plenty of assholes as well as many wonderful and extremely respectfully, smart and successful individuals regardless if they were date or platonic friends these men do exist and they are real you just have to know how to get to know them for who they are and then let nature take it's course.

If a man asks you on the first date how many dates you need to have before you can have sex and constantly complains about their financial status then you know that this guy falls within the assholes category and that he is simply waiting to see what he can get out of a date and move on so according to these experiences that most women had men are being viewed under an extreme tight scrutiny as well as the one men are using in screening their dates.  So dating is not an easy thing to do at any age, it is easier to fall in love at a younger age only because we have experienced less heartache and have a more open mind to it, but true love is experienced regardless at what age and it can happen in a split second of your time taking your breath away without realizing and it can be done by an individual who is not famous or rich because love has no meter control at all and it has no pattern or rules.  New York City has always gotten a bad rap for having the rudest people, the least caring and the most problems, could it be that we get a bad rap due to the fact that we are a great city, we do have the greatest, smartest, wisest ,caring and creative individuals as well?

ppatricia221
ppatricia221

I honestly believe and stand firm on this that it has nothing to do with the amount of women ratio to men, nor does it have to do with where you point the finger to but everything to do with mis communication among any age group and the unfortunate mistake of meeting the wrong individuals during a point within your life which leaves you fear to commit to the next individual totally and unconditionally, yes we all would love to meet the movie character that men portray on television but in real life what every woman needs and dreams about is simply feeling the chemistry knowing that the feelings are mutual and feeling respected, wanted as well as needed.  Sex is something that we all need but it is not the binding ingredient that keeps two individuals together forever and it is not true that men will commit to those that do not give in, it does not really make a difference on how it happens or why, it is something that many have tried to figure out and are still baffled about the ingredients that are needed to make that special combination that pushes you to make the final commitment to that one and only.

It is not the money, the job, or what you can offer it is the sparks that we feel for the individual we are with and want to spend the rest of our lives with.

Yes once the sparks are there then of course having the other important factors in place make it that much better, but truly men and women waste too much time with games and lies and in the interim end up losing many great friendships, perfect lovers and future soul mates and all due to listening to stupidity that others tell us or how or why things happen.

When a real relationship is meant to be it will be against all odds and if it is not meant to be it is not.  I lived most of my life in New York city and I have met plenty of assholes as well as many wonderful and extremely respectfully, smart and successful individuals regardless if they were date or platonic friends these men do exist and they are real you just have to know how to get to know them for who they are and then let nature take it's course.

If a man asks you on the first date how many dates you need to have before you can have sex and constantly complains about their financial status then you know that this guy falls within the assholes category and that he is simply waiting to see what he can get out of a date and move on so according to these experiences that most women had men are being viewed under an extreme tight scrutiny as well as the one men are using in screening their dates.  So dating is not an easy thing to do at any age, it is easier to fall in love at a younger age only because we have experienced less heartache and have a more open mind to it, but true love is experienced regardless at what age and it can happen in a split second of your time taking your breath away without realizing and it can be done by an individual who is not famous or rich because love has no meter control at all and it has no pattern or rules.  New York City has always gotten a bad rap for having the rudest people, the least caring and the most problems, could it be that we get a bad rap due to the fact that we are a great city, we do have the greatest, smartest, wisest and most caring individuals as well?

ppatricia221
ppatricia221

I honestly believe and stand firm on this that it has nothing to do with the amount of women ratio to men, nor does it have to do with where you point the finger to but everything to do with mis communication among any age group and the unfortunate mistake of meeting the wrong individuals during a point within your life which leaves you fear to commit to the next individual totally and unconditionally, yes we all would love to meet the movie character that men portray on television but in real life what every woman needs and dreams about is simply feeling the chemistry knowing that the feelings are mutual and feeling respected, wanted as well as needed.  Sex is something that we all need but it is not the binding ingredient that keeps two individuals together forever and it is not true that men will commit to those that do not give in, it does not really make a difference on how it happens or why, it is something that many have tried to figure out and are still baffled about the ingredients that are needed to make that special combination that pushes you to make the final commitment to that one and only.

It is not the money, the job, or what you can offer it is the sparks that we feel for the individual we are with and want to spend the rest of our lives with.

Yes once the sparks are there then of course having the other important factors in place make it that much better, but truly men and women waste too much time with games and lies and in the interim end up losing many great friendships, perfect lovers and future soul mates and all due to listening to stupidity that others tell us or how or why things happen.

When a real relationship is meant to be it will be against all odds and if it is not meant to be it is not.  I lived most of my life in New York city and I have met plenty of assholes as well as many wonderful and extremely respectfully, smart and successful individuals regardless if they were date or platonic friends these men do exist and they are real you just have to know how to get to know them for who they are and then let nature take it's course.

If a man asks you on the first date how many dates you need to have before you can have sex and constantly complains about their financial status then you know that this guy falls within the assholes category and that he is simply waiting to see what he can get out of a date and move on so according to these experiences that most women had men are being viewed under an extreme tight scrutiny as well as the one men are using in screening their dates.  So dating is not an easy thing to do at any age, it is easier to fall in love at a younger age only because we have experienced less heartache and have a more open mind to it, but true love is experienced regardless at what age and it can happen in a split second of your time taking your breath away without realizing and it can be done by an individual who is not famous or rich because love has no meter control at all and it has no pattern or rules.

WestSide7
WestSide7

Bad news for you women in NYC ….it IS you. Too many women in this city are terribly impossible to please, gold-diggers, hypocritically self-righteous, and misandrists.

Absurdities I’ve encountered (BTW I’m 6’1” and pretty good looking, and yes single)

  • I make well over a $100k but still have been told because I’m not a hedge fund guy, they won’t be able to quit their jobs so I’m out.

  • Others are in their 40s and state they still want to have kids ‘someday.’ Ha laughable. You wasted your youth too focused on your career and not settling down with one of the 10 good guys you’ve come across in your dating over the years and in your 40s you honestly think it’s still a real possibility. Get a clue! Time is NOT on your side (or the man's...believe it or not some of us really do want to have kids soon).

  • Hygiene and grooming? Been out on dates with women who chew with their mouths open, have hairy moles on their face or arms (see a plastic surgeon already and get that eyesore removed already)! Caked on make-up! Oh and the overweight self-acceptance movement is absurd. Too many women in this city you can tell don’t work out or enough.

  • Girls who expected me to pay for everything and others who were insulted when I would let them pay halfsies. Which is it?

  • Constantly giving conflicting messages and then being mad at the guy for not always know what to do or so like the women who told me date 2 she wanted to straddle me but then date 4 lying in my bed became a prude. Stop being so asexual...enjoy your youth!

  • Lacking manners. Flaking out just hours before a date (has happened to every guy) and selfishly ruining that guys plans. If you make plans still to them. Take some damn responsibility for others feelings. Yes most men do have feelings.

BTW there is NOT more women than men in this city. The only place in NYC I’ve seen that honestly has more women than men is the UES. Go out in any other neighborhood and you see men outnumber women 2 to 1. Where are all these supposed surpluses of women!?

Stop blaming men for not being some fake movie hero and take a hard look in the mirror!

Shreya123
Shreya123

I think it is quite true, although choices are there if you want to meet single men , the difficult part is to search and find what you have in mind, while you may want to try what comes your way but in such a journey there may be too many ups and downs to your liking, I would say dating meeting sites like MeetOutside, do present a way to filter out and find the sort of men we want to date, so this can be looked into.

ariannahiggins
ariannahiggins

Some of us natives aren't obnoxious transplants with ego problems but nice girls born in the wrong place. The real reason truth, that no one will ever admit is that there arent enough hetero white men in this city. 

ariannahiggins
ariannahiggins

Why no discussion of the *quality* or treatment within these "dates". What is actually *going on* withinthese relationships we're all so desperate for?

Ask yourselves that first. 

jacap-mahboubi
jacap-mahboubi

I'm a men looking for relationship with serious women I don't want any kids for know I'm hard worker I live in New York City I'm looking for a nice women between 25and 31 we work to gather we can live better life

brooke194
brooke194

We should go out... Honestly that was damn refreshing! {*+*}

... I workout and am a happy gal.... Best blind date choice my friends say. Oh yeah!

industrialdiamonds
industrialdiamonds

@ariannahiggins Very accurate! i was born here and I am shocked at how the men act. They only check you out if your not looking at them or if they have on really dark shades. They are prideful and full of their large ego's, it stupid!

 
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