How to straighten your CD shelves, which isn’t the point


If a straight guy falls for metrosexual chic and no one’s around to capture it for cable TV, does it still have a soundtrack? Thanks to the folks behind Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, who are issuing an entire CD series to help metros in training give their record collections way-gay makeovers, it does now. But if the show stupidly suggests us fags spend days brainstorming how to help our hetero bros bang more chicks, the soundtrack is equally clueless: It supposes we do this while listening to limp mixes of Elton John, Duran Duran, and, uh, Sting.

Kinda undermines the whole premise that we’re cutting-edge, ab-fab fashionistas, huh? Whatev—the show’s first musical installment isn’t concerned with actual gay male culture anyway. Comprising songs neither selected by the Queer Eye guys nor performed predominantly by homos and/or gay icons, the album is pure product placement. The few inspired exceptions—Chemical Brothers’ Kylie remix, Junior Senior, a Fischerspooner/Billy Squier mash-up—are buried beneath Capitol’s seemingly arbitrary, cross-marketed cuts. Among them: OK Go’s genial pop rock, U.K. diva-wannabe Jamelia’s “Superstar,” and dude-pandering Liz Phair, whose “Hot White Cum” would’ve at least been more hilariously topical than her current single “Extraordinary.”

It’s enough insulting, see-what-sticks niche marketing to almost make you wish the album were packed with hi-NRG, lo-RGNality remixes of Madonna, Britney, and Xtina—the sorta stuff homo discos really do play. If there’s anything to learn here, then, it’s only that straight guys ISO metro makeovers for their stereos should skip this faux fag soundtrack and go directly to the queer ear source. But for future reference, here’s one Hip Tip: Never trust musical advice from a queen insisting that more Sting in your record collection will get you laid.