You’ll Lose. It’s in the Cards.
Feeling unlucky? Check out Poker With Dick Cheney to see why. You’ll find a mysteriously obtained transcript of a recent card game between Cheney and “The Editors” of The Poor Man. Here’s an excerpt. Let’s listen in . . .
THE EDITORS: Two pair, sevens and fives.
DICK CHENEY: Not good enough.
TE: What do you have?
DC: Better than that, that’s for sure. Pay up.
TE: Can you show us your cards?
DC: Sure. One of them’s a six.
TE: You need to show all your cards. That’s the way the game is played.
COLIN POWELL: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence that Mr. Cheney’s poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips. In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney’s hand was already well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house.
TIM RUSSERT: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a home run for the administration right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World War II, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book.
TE: He’s extremely good at PowerPoint. But we would like to see the cards, or else we can’t really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don’t think he would lie to us, but . . . well, it is a very rich pot.
Go to the site to read the rest of it. And a tip of the fedora to tipster and friend/keyboardist Matt Holford.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on July 22, 2004