New York

“Remember the candy and cupcakes…”


Cruising in the BobMobile on a rainy election day, listening to right-wing Clear Channel talkhead Glenn Beck, who made his national bones throwing support-our-troops, support-our-president rallies around the country after the Iraq invasion. First, a maudlin, saccharine reading of the Gettysburg Address. Thence to a discussion of the Osama Bin Laden tape. He thinks Osama’s plan to swing the election for Kerry will fail.

“We’re not like Michael Moore. I mean, we don’t think the American people are idiots.”

(The BobMobile passes beneath an overpass, where someone has hung a bedsheet reading “Kerry 4 Future.”)

“I think when people walk in walk into the voting booth today, they’ll think about what we’re facing. They’ll think about Osama Bin Laden. I don’t think they’re as dumb as Osama Bin Laden thinks you are. I mean, we’re not Spain.”

He quotes all the things OBL said that bear resemblance to all the things Democrats say: “Does any of this sound familiar?” Osama said George Bush is arrogant. Democrats say Bush is arrogant. Osama says Bush is too close to the leaderhsip of Saudi Arabia, that he manipulates the United States by means of a certain cable news channel, that he rushed to war, that a huge number of jobs have been lost in America. And he read about a pet goat when his people needed him most.

And Democrats say all those things, too.

“It’s pretty phenomenal,” Beck heaves, sanctimoniously. “Absolutely phenomenal.” It’s all evidence, on the particular slippery slope a Glenn Beck likes to send his listeners sliding down, that OBL and the Democrats are in cahoots.

Well, buddy, just because OBL said it doesn’t mean it’s not true. If Adolph Hitler says that objects accelerate at 9.6 meters per second, and Franklin Roosevelt says that objects accelerate at 9.6 meters per second, that doesn’t mean that FDR is working for Hitler.

Voters won’t buy the Democratic/OBL line, Glenn Beck says. “They’ll remember the candy and the cupcakes given out on 9/11. They’ll the remember the people, the Palestinians, handing out candy and dancing in the streets. And when you go in to pull that lever, I just don’t believe that people aren’t going to think of those images. I don’t believe that Americans are actually going to reach up there and not say, ‘wait a minute. Is Osama Bin Laden really neutral in this?'”

“Or, when the election is decided and George W. Bush is thrown out of office as Michael Moore says”–did Glenn just imply he thinks W. is going to be thrown out of office today?–“we know Michael Moore will be having cake.” But, too: “Do you really believe that those enemies of ours are not going to be having cake and dancing in the streets?”

He says, “Can you imagine, during World War II, if we would have thrown FDR out?” The Nazis, too, would have been dancing in the streets.

(I hate this shit, this ignorant and cynical GOP travestying of history. Republicans, sweet Republicans, would never have thrown out the Democrats during wartime, they say, apparently forgetting the general the GOP ran for president in the middle of a war against the Godless Communists in Korea.)

“Osama Bin Laden is using alllll of the li-i-i-i-nes that Michael Moore and John Kerry supporters use,” he keens, drawing out the the words.

And so, his message for those Kerry supporters: “My gosh. You’re crawling into bed with our sworn enemy.”

It’s as good a time as any to put this one to rest once and for all. The nonsense that Al Qaeda was determined to influence the American election–just like in Spain–is an idea first broadcast by Robert Novak, who wrote back in March that Al Qaeda has “zeroed in on the president.” The problem is that the statement Novak relied upon for his evidence, the claim of responsibility for the Madrid bombings from the Al Qaeda-affiliated sect the Abu Hafs al-Masri brigade, also said something else:

That they wanted George Bush to win. Because “Kerry will kill our nation while it sleeps,” they wrote, in admiration of the Democrat’s “cunning.”


Okay. The eagle has landed. Here we are at our first polling place: the Caledonia School.

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