Resolution ’05


We asked our favorite night crawlers for their New Year’s resolutions and wishes for 2005. Me, I resolve to get blonder and blonder, and dumber and dumber.

JESSICA COEN, Gawkerette: To take a daily multivitamin before I put anything unsavory in my system. Oh, and to flog myself every time I have to type the words “Paris Hilton’s vagina.”

JUSTIN BOND, a/k/a KIKI: To read and memorize every word of PARIS HILTON‘s autobiography and to never do anything without first asking myself, “What would Paris do?”

DANNY KRIVIT, DJ, 718 Sessions: To finally get enough records out of my house so that I can actually have enough space to invite someone in.

MAGGIE STEIN, publicist: I recently started a grassroots social movement called Back Away From Your Computer, encouraging people to stop typing and start talking. I want to bring back old-school forms of communication like eye contact, deep conversation, high fiving, and in-person hobnobbing. As of now, it’s a revolution of one (me), but I hope to recruit others.

DANNY TENAGLIA, DJ: Wish: For people to become more spiritual again. Many people today don’t seem to be raising their children on good beliefs in God.

ANGIE PONTANI, THE PONTANI SISTERS: To get my own horse and star in a western movie. To learn to figure skate before the spring!

DIRTY MARTINI, Miss Exotic World: To have more olives in my martinis and to cross my legs like a lady. I’m pretty foggy on last year’s resolution, but I bet I did it.

KRIS CHEN, head honcho, Domino Records: To finally accomplish last year’s resolutions, which were to relearn French, figure out why I’m such a snob, submit writing samples to The Economist, and date celebrities. The new resolution is to quit threatening to punch people who say I look like Scott from Other Music.

FANCY, FANNYPACK: I can’t say I have succeeded in any of last year’s resolutions, but why focus on past failures when there are so many new failures to experience? This year I resolve to start wearing my leather Africa medallion and bring back the choker.

THOMAS ONORATO, doorbitch, Motherfucker: In 2004, I did find a lip gloss that is so amazing and not sticky! This year I want to find a facialist who is slightly less aggressive but no less effective.

GREG K, DJ, MisShapes: My resolution is a makeover, cleaning my house, my mind, and to get hair extensions.

MURRAY HILL, entertainer: I’m gonna keep my chins up.

ADAM DUGAS, Chaos & Candy: I resolve to stay camera-ready.

JUNIOR BOYS MATT DIDEMUS and JEREMY GREENSPAN: Matt’s resolution is to stop smoking. Jeremy’s is to stay away from Matt while he is quitting. Wish: World peace and a new DAFT PUNK album.

JAKE SHEARS, singer, SCISSOR SISTERS: To hole up and make things.

ADAM X, techno DJ, Sonic Groove: To release at least four records on vinyl. My wish is that things turn around in the party scene in the U.S.A.

PHILIP OH, promoter: Wish: That no more of my friends move to Berlin.

LARRY TEE, DJ: Wish: To never hear the word electroclash again.

ULYSSES, techno DJ-producer: Last year I promised to be good. This year I promise to be bad, sooo bad. Well I’m not in jail, so maybe I didn’t take it far enough.

ANDREW ANDREW, “twins”: Wish: A responsible world government, and that the charges against us get dropped.

JAYNE COUNTY, transgender punk rocker: To go back to being as vile, nasty, and offensive onstage as possible!

COWBOY MARK, DJ: To build better karma by being nicer to those folks who request songs and to use less of those drink tickets on myself!

LISA HSU, promoter: I will use more of those drink tickets for myself!

GORDON RAPHAEL, producer, THE STROKES: Wish: For Republicans, conservatives, and those who have little imagination to be sent on a slow train to Mars.

MOBY, artist, activist: To stop myself from getting upset about political developments over which I have no control.

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