George Costanza gets the rap song he always wanted.
When British rapper Lady Sovereign broke in 2005, the last thing she wanted to be was a sex symbol–she constantly referred to herself as a “midget,” and had more ways to say “fuck you” than an Eskimo has to say “snow.” Hell, even Jay-Z was sold by her wacky, snarky personality—and that was back when he was co-signing Rihanna instead of Cheesecake Drake!
By the time her second album Jigsaw rolled around in 2009, Lady Sov had been exposed to the electro Ebola that’s killing hip-hop and currently turning the pop landscape into a stagnant puddle of sunglasses-at-night neon diarrhea. She apologized for all the bratty behavior that made her interesting, and replaced all her rapping with what my brain tells me is singing but my ears tell me is screeching tires. But her most misguided step came with the syrupy slow jam “Food Play,” a five-fucking-minute dry kiss dedicated to the grossest fetish there is. If she’s joking about having whatever’s lurking in the fridge poured all over her, the joke is awful. If she’s serious, and actually gets turned on by the sight of Bac-Os, then I just don’t know what to do. Maybe send her to R. Kelly, who is generally smoother at this whole “Sex In The Kitchen” thing, because lines like “the way you munch your Quarter Pounder / Oh my, the way you chew that cheese, you sleaze” go beyond sickening and into terrifying “phone sex with Weird Al” territory.
Her microphone is set to “Dan Deacon Ewok Noise” (veerrrry sexy!) and her rhymes about licking her fingers and fucking on dirty dishes are set to “Make me want to fucking vomit.” I better be careful not to puke though, lest I inspire her next song “Roman Shower.”
Though if you’re American, you can learn a thing or two about British culture from “Food Play.” “Twiglets” are popular British snacks that apparently taste like Marmite–which we all know is the sultriest of all completely revolting tastes. “Cherry Pips” are British candy known for their sweet cherry flavor, as well as their resemblance to Lady Sovereign’s nipples. And finally, “sexy” is British slang for “I forgot how to rap.”