F2K is a countdown of the 50 worst songs of the decade. Track our progress here.
If Crazy Frog was the President Of The United States of Annoying, Gummibar would be Billy Fucking Carter.
Most people with ears noticed right away that ringtone “sensation” Crazy Frog was unfiltered garbage: shrill digital chirps made to be played on a cellphone speaker the size of a hamster’s balls, crap “animation” that makes Aqua Teen Hunger Force look like Wall-E, and a campaign that pandered to the sub-literate Sbarro importers/drool exporters that exist even lower than the lowest common denominator. People that forwarded around Dancing Baby in the ’90s were shaking their head in disgust at the sad lumps who managed to summon enough brain cells to upload Crazy Frog to their phones–or as users called them, “my beepy talkie funtime stick!” So yeah, most people who heard Crazy Frog pretty much agreed it was the end of music.
But some enterprising Hungarians saw dollar signs! With lightning speed they turned around the CGI shitsation Gummibar, the “yummy, tummy, funny, lucky Gummy Bear,” the most embarrassing thing to come out of Europe since wooden shoes. If you haven’t heard “I Am Your Gummy Bear (The Gummy Bear Song),” there are two important things to know. Firstly, yes, that is “gummy” bear with a “y”–meaning the smart folks at Trolli wouldn’t be caught dead letting the word “Gummi” go to waste on this torture device. Secondly, fuck this song.
Every generation gets the “Barbie Girl” it deserves. As horrible as we’ve acted this decade, we should actually consider ourselves lucky to get three minutes of dead-eyed European house music with chipmunk voices going “gummy gummy gummy gummy gummy bear.” If you are not instantly wowed by the sound of the word “gummy,” there’s literally nothing to this song and literally nothing happens in it. Describing it to you would be like describing what the color gray looks like. A lime green bear says words. Apparently that’s enough for Germany and Sweden, where this jam actually charted.
If you bought your kids this song, you’re a worse parent than John Phillips.