Dating Tips for Hiram Monserrate, the Abbreviated Version


Dating is hard. Especially in New York City. It’s a dog-eat-dog/face-slashing kind of world, and don’t we know it. So our heart goes out to sweet lil’ punkin Hiram Monserrate, who is just trying his darndest to find a nice lady he can settle down with (again) and start a family (again). Who hasn’t been there?

“I’d like to date,” said the divorced dad of one to the New York Post. “I’m looking for a good Christian woman who’s good company. I want to settle down and have kids.”

Now, as Foster asked earlier today, “Is it fair to pick on a guy who’s already been disgraced and through the ringer multiple times?”

And we say, yes, definitely. In fact those are the very best sorts of people to pick on.

But beyond a little mockery in the blogoverse, who are we to deny a man the love each of us humans so truly deserves? Remember, there’s someone for everyone. Lots of ladies are totally into Charles Manson, for example!

In order to better serve you, allow us to suggest a few dating tips, Hiram:

• Don’t tell a woman you want to “fatten her up,” because it implies that, like the witch in Hansel and Gretel, you eventually will attempt to eat her.
• Don’t offer to take a woman to an action movie sequel when there’s good Russell Crowe movie lovin’ to be had. In fact, let her pick the movie, even if it’s The Back-Up Plan. Also, under no circumstances should you play that trick with the hole at the bottom of the popcorn bag.
• Avoid cooing, whining, and talking about your “beautiful, young” ex. This signifies you are not over her, and is all kinds of annoying.
• Don’t flip-flop. If you want a Christian, go for a Christian, and don’t be enticed by the beauty and style of someone from another religious faith.
• Don’t just rebound right into the next relationship! Spend a little time on yourself, for a change. Loving you can help you love others.
• Shell out for some real business cards instead of penciling your home number onto your old ones, you know, from the job you got fired from? That kind of shit makes you look cheap, and any New York woman worth her salt will hightail it out of there hella fast (faster than if you were to, say, chase her with some broken glass) when she uncovers a cheap guy. Unemployment, abs not of steel, and/or a restraining order — no biggie. Cheap is forever.