Maybe you haven’t heard of the newest cultural phenomenon, Bros Icing Bros. The short version: it’s a fratboy “game” of guerrilla-style urban warfare involving the Single Grossest Beverage on the Planet, Smirnoff Ice (or any of its flavor variations) and your friends, co-workers, or people you feel sadistic impulses towards who can’t turn down a good challenge.
The long version is that you should be seriously concerned right now.
Something that started off as a stupid Internet meme is quickly becoming one of the first signs of the apocalypse. Do you understand what’s happening here? People in New York are forcing other people in New York to get down on one knee and proudly drink Smirnoff Ice in offices, in bars, and on the street. In other news, when the Hudson River turns into blood, frogs are everywhere, firstborn are being slayed, etc., don’t say you didn’t see this shit coming.
Now celebrities are getting in on the act: Coolio was “Iced.” The National was “Iced.” Ashton Kutcher has had an icing “bounty” of pride placed on him by an (unaffiliated) marketing group. Young people in offices are doing this nonstop to each other. One young lady who works for College Humor — where word has it people were getting “Iced” with lukewarm bottles of Apple Smirnoff Ice before 10 a.m. on Friday — wrote last week:
This game has turned us all into maniacs. It has brought out aspects of my personality that I didn’t know existed, mostly the don’t fuck with me because I will cream you aspect. I am starting to think I am more fit for a career as a detective or hit lady.
And of course, people are now making sure to get video of this kind of thing:
One young lady who works in marketing noted to me at a house party this weekend that she was “Iced” outside her office on the corner of 23rd and Sixth. Yes, people are drinking Smirnoff Ice in the street. Someone else at that same house party — from Vice, naturally — was kicked out of a bar for “Icing” a “pal” inside, thereby violating the natural “bringing booze to a bar” rule. We are not the only ones writing about this. And it goes without saying, but the original site — as well as a Tumblr for Bros Who Get Iced — are raging forward.
Mind you, there is no way in hell this can be a viral campaign, despite the (predictable) idiot conspiracy theorists who still think otherwise: This entire “game”/war is predicated on the idea that Smirnoff Ice is fucking terrible. It’s embarrassing to purchase, terrible to drink, and when gifted to someone you know, a punishment you must swallow your dignity and take like … a bro. To put it simply, participation in this game requires a bizarre post-asshole vantage point on the universe. It’s punishing and fucked up and won’t stop.
But it’s Monday morning. It has to stop somewhere. Or at least slow down. We all need to get a goddamn grip, here. Right?
We want to know when the first Icing in New York City — in any kind of professional setting — happens today. Or at the very least, we’d like to hear your Icing stories. We’ve heard of media companies, talent agencies, marketing groups, and PR shops all getting in on the act. Are you in a professional setting and forcing your colleagues to drink the Durian Fruit of Malt Liquors? Please, let us know. At the very least, keep your “Ice Blocks” within reach. God save us all.