We didn’t want to listen to the latest in Mel Gibson phone freakouts, but as journalists, you know, there are certain things you just have to do. So we did. And we can tell you all, on very good authority, that Mel Gibson is just as crazy and scary and insane as we said he was on Friday, and the week before that, and years before that…Except, he’s MORE crazy and scary and insane. And he likes to threaten to kill people, or more specifically, people he’s dating and might be the mothers of his children. How his ex-wife stuck with him for 30 years, we’ll probably never know (money talks, but not that much). Now there are rumors he wants her back, despite them lacking “a spiritual connection.”
The good news: He can’t actually kill Oksana Grigorieva now because everyone would know he did it. Also, his career really is Donesville. Other good news: You don’t have to listen to the conversation (unless you want to) because we’ll give you the highlights, with the shouting words in caps. Like so:
He starts: “Stay on this phone and don’t hang up on me, I have plenty of energy to drive over there. You understand me? AND I WILL! So just FUCKING listen to me. Listen to my fucking ranting! Listen to what you do to me!
PAIN IN THE ASS! YOU MAKE MY LIFE SO FUCKING DIFFICULT! YOU…BE A WOMAN THAT FUCKING SUPPORTS ME INSTEAD OF A WOMAN THAT SUCKS OFF ME. AND JUST FUCKING SUCKS ME DRY…I DON’T BELIEVE YOU ANYMORE! I’M SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT. HAS ANY RELATIONSHIP EVER WORKED WITH YOU? NOOOO!
FUCK YOU! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! BUT MY DAUGHTER IS IMPORTANT!
YOU HAVE ONE MORE CHANCE, AND I MEAN IT!
YOU MAKE ME WANT TO SMOKE!
YOU SHOULD JUST FUCKING SMILE AND BLOW ME!!!!
YOU HAVE NO FUCKING SOUL!
[MORE DEEP BREATHING]
YOU DON’T CARE. YOU DON’T CARE.
(She says he’s unbalanced and needs medication.)
I NEED A WOMAN, NOT A FUCKING LITTLE GIRL WITH A FUCKING DYSFUNCTIONAL CUNT.
I DON’T NEED MEDICATION, YOU NEED A FUCKING BAT TO THE SIDE OF THE HEAD.
[MORE DEEP BREATHING]
DON’T YOU DARE HANG UP ON ME. YOU HANG UP I’M COMING OVER THERE.
(I’ll call the police.)
YOU FUCKING CUNT. YOU’RE IN MY HOUSE. I’LL CALL THE POLICE AND TELL THEM THERE’S SOMEONE IN MY HOUSE.
WHY DON’T YOU FUCK OFF TO THAT CUNT ALICIA’S… SHE WAS MAKING EYES AT ME…SHE WOULD HAVE BONED ME IN 5 SECONDS…YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS BUT ME.
I DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS…YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT…AND YOU FUCKING USED ME…MY CAREER IS OVER.
(Then she gets mad: YOU ALMOST KILLED US, DID YOU FORGET?)
Mel fake-cries. OH, you’re all angry now? You know what, you FUCKING DESERVED IT.
(You’re going to answer one day, boy, you’re going to answer.)
WHAT? WHAT? ARE YOU THREATENING ME? I’LL THREATEN YOU, I’LL PUT YOU IN A FUCKING ROSE GARDEN, YOU CUNT. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? BECAUSE I’M CAPABLE OF IT.
Okay, Mel, we believe you have no friends and your career is over. You can stop ranting now.