Every year, toy companies come out with some ridiculous new toy that supposedly ratchets up the “cute” factor about ten points past where it has any good reason to be. This year is, frighteningly, no different from any other.
RELEASE THE SQUINKIES/SING-A-MA-JIGS!
Toys R Us, which came out with its “hot toy” list on Tuesday, is betting on a few contenders for the cute crown. Those include Blip Toys’ Squinkies, tiny figures that fit inside a toy dispensing machines and Mattel Inc.’s Sing-a-ma-jigs, colorful plush dolls that harmonize.
You’re probably still asking yourself what the fuck a Squinky is. Aren’t you glad you have bloggers who are paid to look this information up for you? These things….
…are Squinkies. They look like cake toppers who come alive right as you’re about to eat them and then cut your face open and ruin your life, in your face. What do they do? They don’t do anything. The description from Amazon.com:
The Squinkies are lovely small figures that come in a surprise capsule. Closed or opened, the Squinkies Palace Surprize shows off your collection in an awesome way. The posts on each layer help your Squinkies stay for display. Flip up carry handle. Holds up to 96 Squinkies (Squinkies sold seperately).
So you have to buy them, then you have to buy them a house, and then just sit there. Now, you’re probably still asking yourself what the fuck a Sing-a-ma-jig is. Aren’t you glad you have bloggers who are paid to look this information up for you? These things….
Unlike Squinkies, these things actually earn their keep as Geneva Convention-violating parental torture devices. The description from Amazon.com:
Get ready to meet The Sing-A-Ma-Jigs, the new free-spirited, offbeat characters that set off unexpected laugher and excitement with every interaction! The Sing-A-Ma-Jigs enjoy nothing more than singing together, and just to prove it, they harmonize with each other in perfect pitch every time. The more you collect, the larger the chorus! Their zany looks are unique to them, and when they sing you can’t resist when their little mouths open wide for each note! Every Sing-A-Ma-Jig has three modes of play where they chatter, sing their own song, or sing in harmony with their other Sing-A-Ma-Jig friends!
Just remember what happened the last time you let something “free-spirited” into your house: it made off with your bottle of Opus One and stayed on your couch nine days longer than it said it would. Now this? And yes, there’s video of these monsters in action:
They sound like a bunch of glue-high chipmunks two midnight snacks short of raining all hell and destruction down on wherever you live. Do not feed them after midnight. Do not get them wet. Do not let them near the Opus One. And do not let your kids know they exist. Runnin’ Scared’s Alternative Childrens’ Gift List is surely on the way, but if you see a hollowed-out Buick for sale on the cheap, grab it: come November, they’re gonna get pricy. Trust us on this one.