News & Politics

The Naked Cowboy, that Half-Nude Guy Who Hangs Out in Times Square, Would Like to Be Your Next President


In news that somehow should not even be the slightest bit surprising, Times Square’s one and only Mr. Naked Cowboy, a/k/a, Robert Burck, will be announcing his plans to enter the 2012 presidential race this coming Wednesday. We’ll be there reporting from the front lines to let you know about his campaign agenda, among other things.

Keeping in mind, however, that the Naked Cowboy is not really naked and instead regularly attires himself in white underwear, boots, and a cowboy hat, we have to wonder how much the semantically sensitive American people are going to trust just about anything he has to say. If he were to decide to wear clothes, for instance, would he be dubbed a flip-flopper?

Beyond that, the man seems ill-equipped for bureaucracy, having entered the mayoral race in 2009 only to drop out due to the red tape involved. But times, they change. Here’s what he has to say:

“America needs a president who believes in America. America needs a president who will stand up for America and protect its language, its borders, and most importantly, its culture. What American’s need is a president who seeks to empower the people and to allow the free market to determine value, not a president intent on empowering Government and misappropriating the resources of the productive class. America, I will fight to give the power back to the people. My entire platform and all of my policies and decisions will be organized so as to achieve a much smaller, fiscally responsible, decentralized federal government, a robust economy run strictly on Free Market Principles, and the strongest National Defense on Earth.”

Strumming one’s guitar for money while enjoying taxicab breezes upon your nether regions and taking photos with tourists is a kind of culture, we suppose. And it’s certainly American. Anyway, he’s a Tea Partier?

Rather beautifully, Burck will be serving Naked Cowboy Oysters & Beer at the Village Pourhouse on West 46th Street (also his location in case of rain) immediately following Wednesday’s press conference. Cannot. Wait.

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