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Awful Gift #10: Stonerware Apron With Marijuana-Leaf Imprint, Broadway Panhandler
Everyone knows that chefs like to get stoned (or “baked,” as the apron has it), which helps relieve the tedium of chopping vegetables for hours at a time. But this guy doesn’t need to wear an apron to show us he’s stoned — his vacant gaze and severed left hand are obvious tip-offs.
‘Tis the time of year to punish your foodie friends with Xmas gifts. Why not tell them you care with something really horrible? Think of what a hit these things would be at a regifting party!
Awful Gift #9: Chocolate Bathroom Scale, uncommongoods.com
What better gift to discourage that overweight chocolate-loving friend than a scale plastered with pictures of chocolates? As if that weren’t enough, a series of fey salutations have replaced the five-pound hash marks, with such self-compliments as “I’m so amazing” and “super-hot bod.” Besides, haven’t you always wanted to stand barefoot on a box of chocolates?
Awful Gift #8: Big Top Cupcake Silicon Bakeware, bigtopcupcake.com
If you know someone who loves cupcakes more than life itself, consider the Big Top Cupcake. A set (no, wait, two sets!) of floppy plastic pans allows you to make an actual full-size cake that looks like a cupcake. After it’s baked, you’ll have to frost it with about 10 pounds of frosting, and find a gigantic gumball to go on top.
Awful Gift #7: Banana Stand, curious
For those of us with gigantic kitchens that have plenty of wasted and empty counter space, what could be better than this banana stand? It holds the fruit out invitingly, and, if you have the choice between reaching for that expensive box of fattening chocolates and just reaching for an inexpensive banana as a “healthy” snack, you might just reach for the banana. Married couples: Consider incorporating this device into your lovemaking.
Awful Gift #6: Guy Fieri Bottle Brush
You’ve probably wanted to thrust Guy Fieri’s head in a pot of hot soapy water often in the past, but this allows you to really do it, especially if you believe in voodoo. It’s available locally at several stores. You can rest assured that neither the Food Network nor Fieri himself are making a penny from this clever rip-off, so you can scrub, scrub, scrub with a clear conscience.
Awful Gift #5: McMembrance, etsy.com/58985535/9-11-in-mcmembrance
What better way to commemorate 9/11 than, say, a handful of Chicken McNuggets or a McRib? The mind works overtime to discover exactly what the connection is, but, hey, good eats is good eats! Priced at $50, this is a one-of-a-kind item by Chicago artist Derek Erdman, who painted a pair of further masterpieces: two bananas flying into an ice cream “twin towers,” and a kosher food truck called Anne’s Franks.
Awful Gift #4: Funny Chef Outfit, justotc.com
There are times when we all feel like lampooning chefs. Imagine showing up at some important foodie event dressed from head to toe in chef “whites,” wielding an inflatable rolling pin of comic dimensions, with your inflatable ass providing extra “rearguard” humor. This gift is an answer to the prayer of any foodie with a sense of humor.
Awful Gift #3: Ms. Food Face Plate
This gift is sure to transport its recipient back into a figurative high chair, where the infantalized self can rearrange a fruit salad into a face. Most of us have the imagination to do it without the aid of a Melmac plate!
Awful Gift #2: Pizza Cutter Fork, curious
If you just enjoy normal pizza, this gift could be a useless drag, because the whole idea of a slice is that you can pick it up and fold it, New York-style. But if you insist on eating today’s newfangled Naples-style pies, this “futter” could be a real boon. But you have to buy four of five of them, so they’ll need their own drawer, and there’s the ever-present danger of slicing off your finger.
Next: And now for the very worst foodie Xmas present of all …
Awful Gift #1: Fetus Cookie Cutter, hogmalion.
Whether the recipient is a feminist or a right-to-lifer, here is a gift to make anyone miserable: a cookie-cutter shaped like a fetus, and a very young fetus at that. Offer these cookies at your Xmas party — with either raisins or small stones as eyes — and see if anyone touches them. We don’t know what’s more disturbing: the idea that you’re eating a fetus, or the fact that anyone would give this as a gift.
Next: A final pair of awful gifts!