You simply can’t have a royal wedding without a classy assortment of royal wedding branded products! Of course, we’ve all seen the mugs and buttons and teddy bears. But if you really want to celebrate the most important royal wedding of our time, THE ROYAL WEDDING TO END ALL ROYAL WEDDINGS, the royal wedding of Prince William and the lovely but common Kate Middleton, you must outfit yourself fully with the following items. Depending on your perspective and whether you’re actually invited to the event (let’s face it, you’re not), these are the best or worst royal wedding-related products currently in existence. We must have them all. Oh, and we shall.
Probably you’re all, “Jigsaws are for losers. And old people.” But what seems like a regular old puzzle (yawn) is transformed when you realize that a piece of Prince William’s forehead might be forever lost in your shag carpeting. If you’re lucky. Or, perhaps, slipped under your pillow for a bit of comfort on those lonely nights. Plus, it includes “unique Wentworth ‘whimsy’ pieces” made from sustainable forests! Whimsy is ever so British.
6. Knit Your Own Royal Wedding: The book.
If there’s one thing that goes with another thing, it’s knitting and the royals. You can make them all according to this guide for your own in-home purposes. Imagine the good times that will ensue once you have a personal crew of soft, woolly royal friends who look just like Wills and Kate and even the Queen and her corgis. That’s a wedding you’ll get an invite to, most certainly, even if you’re the only one there. There’s video, too!
5. Your very own royal wedding sickbag.
Lydia Lieth has designed these silk-screened bags in vibrant blue and red. They’re just £3.00 a pop, and they’re shipping worldwide. As Lieth writes on her site, “Future collectable?!” Now, you need only make yourself sick. Easy!
4. William and Kate teabags.
Gross jokes aside (how untoward), we’re sure these make a delicious cuppa. And what a conversation starter. Does Kate look a wee bit pinched about the face though? Mothers in law are such a hassle.
Do you talk on the phone? Do you enjoy gazing at photos of Prince William and Kate Middleton, preferably to the accompaniment of Mendelssohn’s Wedding March, the ringtone? Do you always want to remember the date of Will and Kate’s nupts, such that you would like it engraved on the back of your phone? Do you enjoy keeping up with technological trends? This is the product for you! Thank Alcatel One Touch for making it a highly affordable £14.95, which you can purchase on a most flexible pay as you go plan.
2. Royal wedding gnomes.
Is anything cuter than a gnome? Yes. A royal wedding gnome. Two of them.
Do you dream of sleepless nights during which you might retrieve milk for soporific warming from your 6-foot-tall GE side-by-side fridge freezer that just so happens to be emblazoned with a life-size replica of the engagement photo of Prince William and Kate? How much is it? Does it even matter? What will your friends say? This is what they call a showpiece.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on March 21, 2011