Exclusive Interview: Dethklok’s Skwisgaar Skwigelf Makes Fake Boobs Explode


Devotees of Metalocalypse, the Adult Swim animated series created by Brendon Small, know that death metal band Dethklok–performing at the Roseland Ballroom tonight–are at a pivotal point in their career. Last season, after warring egos nearly dissolved the band, we learned that the Metalocalypse has begun and that only the music of Dethklok can save the world.

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Lead guitarist Skwisgaar Skwigelf (voiced by Small) rarely gives interviews. (As you’ll notice, his English carries a heavy Swedish accent.) But we spoke to him about his work on the new Dethalbum III and other brutal topics–including his feelings toward Dr. Rockzo, the infamous “rock and roll clown”.

You’re the fastest guitarist in the world. Exactly how fast do you play?
Foist of alls I never calls myself dats. It cames from de magazines and de fans. And I never clocked myselves because speeds am uniportants to mes (even though I ams fast and cleans with an interestings notes choice). But once I played so fast dats de dey blended into one bog notes and some ladies standings in de audience’s fakes tits explodeds. So deres dats.

How many of Toki’s parts did you play on the Dethalbum III
It ams rare dat Toki’s guitars shows up on any of de finals recordins. Nots for lacks of tryins though. You sees, he suffers froms “reds light disease” so he freezes ups whats likes Cindys Bradys froms De Bradys Bunchk. Sos I, Skwisgaar, must comes in and cleans up de repugnantsk mess. Howevers, I likes to keeps “Toki’s” guitar parts loose when I records dems. Sometimes I’ll sits on my hands and lets it goes to sleep sos dat it sounds more “Toki-likes” whens I plays.

What’s your bed made of? Looks very uncomfortable, like it’s made of stone.
Oh nos. It ams made from memories foams. Nothings too fancy. It has de feelings of sleepins on warms Swedish fish candies whats reminds me of homes.

Do you have any pre-performance rituals that you do before you go out onstage?[
I has a simultaneous hands massage by Buddhist monks (ladies of course, yes de only two in existensk–and yes dey ams hot). Dens I does some deep knee bends, and dens I drinks some Fives Hours Energies drinks, dens I looks in de mirror and sucks in my cheeks and makes faces for about 20 minutes, and dens I puts ice in my underpants (soz dat I can keeps focused on de jobs at hands), and dens I warms ups with my Gibsons Thunderhorse fors abouts 40 minutes. Bings. Bongs. Booms. Showstimes.

How do you feel about the fact that the original Dethklok guitarist, Magnus Hammersmith, showed up at the funeral of Roy Cornickelson [late president of Dethklok’s record label]?
I has very littles to sez abouts hims. I don’t wants to gives him de press. But stupid Tokis surrounds himselves with de woirsts of de woirsts.

Speaking of which, if you could do anything you wanted to Dr. Rockzo, with no consequences at all, what would you do to him?
I just feels bad for dat fucks upseds clowns. I would want to just helps him to be a less confused idiots jacks-offs. But rights before dats I’d likes to sticks his tongues in a wet opens outlet and films it. I thinks dats would goes virals.

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