On Monday, your Crap Archivist brought you the batshit ’50s quiz itemizing the merits and demerits of 1950s wives and proving — through science or something — that American women are pushy, jealous, overweight shrews who won’t stop eating radishes before bed and need to be told to enjoy “marital congress.”
(Have you ever had marital congress with a lady full of radishes? I bet that still has a higher approval rating than actual congress.)
That quiz, prepped by once-popular pop-psychology huckster Dr. George W. Crane, was purportedly put together with input from 600 husbands. Just like back then, their input seems not to have pleased women, as we’ve been hearing from contemporary lady-people that some of their “merits” and “demerits” are reprehensibly sexist.
Fortunately, Dr. Crane also claims to have assembled a squad of 600 women to list the pros and cons of husbands. And guess what? 1950s wives were really tired of their husbands being “sissy”s or “bookworms.”
That quiz is below. As with the last one, respondents get points for each merit that matches their own lives and lose points for each demerit; all entries are worth one point except for a select few that are marked with a five or a ten. For example “Dislikes children, or scolds them too harshly” is exactly five times as bad as “Rolls in bed covers — pulls them off wife.”
The man’s quiz is more frank about sex than the woman’s, as you can see from this merit:
“Ardent lover — sees that wife has orgasm in marital congress. (20)”
Note that the 20 points allotted to that are the most in the quiz, and that this is four times more important than “Steady worker and good provider.”
Of course, if the husband cannot claim those 20 points for keeping his wife sexually fulfilled, he maybe could make up for it with this one:
Tries to keep wife equipped with modern labor saving devices (5)
The drawer by the wife’s side of the bed was created for labor-saving devices.!
Among the most memorable “merit”s:
Gives wife ample allowance or turns pay check over to her. (5)
Interested in athletics.
Willing to go shopping with wife.
Neat in appearance — shoes shined, hair cut, suit pressed.
A fast an efficient worker, not that puttering sort.
Willingly prepares own breakfast.
Well liked by men, courageous — not a sissy
Eats whatever is served to him without grumbling or criticism
Gives wife real movie kisses not dutiful “peck” on the cheek
If wife is ill, phones from work to inquire about her.
And here’s some husbandly no-nos, the first of which brilliantly illustrates the Heisenberg Uncertainly Principle of Morality:
Stares at our flirts with other women while out with wife
Compares wife unfavorably with mother or other wives (5)
Publicly praises bachelor days and regrets having married
Fails to bathe or change socks often enough
Picks teeth, nose, or sucks on teeth when in public
Blames wife for everything that goes wrong
Angry if newspaper is disarranged
Talks of efficiency of stenographer or other women
Teases wife re fatness, slowness, etc.
Too much a bookworm — doesn’t talk to wife enough
Click through to read the rest. Remember, fellows: Good husbands only flirt when she’s not looking!
More:Studies in Crap