Lil Wayne has just released his tenth studio album, I Am Not a Human Being II. It’s been 18 years since his first album: True Story as one half of The B.G.’z. In that time, he’s been a lesser-known member of an embattled southern hip-hop group, a scrawny kid, a mixtape hero, the greatest rapper alive, the world’s biggest pop star, a crossover cautionary tale, a completely non-discriminatory shill and an old man playing catch-up in a style he practically invented. That style would be the free-association that people once reverently described as “Dadaist” but now more commonly refer to as “stupid.” And he deserves it, really: In 2007 we were getting vivid genius like “I’m so motherfuckin’ high, I could eat a star.” Whereas now we’re just getting whatever lazy nonsense wanders into his addled brain (“‘Cause when it Waynes it pours,” which come on).
See also: Lil Wayne: Human After All
Wayne understood language so intuitively in those heady pre-Tha Carter III days that he could skip through convention and construction and arrive at expression that made him seem like the only dude speaking in colors, while everyone else was stuck in black and white. That’s why he was the greatest. And then people followed him and did it even better while he got too big to care anymore.
Metaphors and similes have always been a valuable tool for anyone writing poetry, rappers very much included. But Wayne’s style allowed for looser association, and as he’s steadily run out of things to say, that’s where you can see the deterioration of his creativity most obviously. By way of demonstrating this, here’s all 80 similes from the new album. Note that only five come from guest artists.
The general guidelines here are that hashtag similes (the ones where it’s just a noun at the end of a line, apropos nothing, grammatically) don’t count. And obviously this is the most profane thing you will read today. So NSFReading Aloud at Work, I guess.
1. Medicine, I treat it like peppermints.
2. I be grindin’ on them hoes like a half pipe.
3. Then I make her take this dick like advice.
4. I stick it in her ass like some fucking steroids.
5. Like a white boy wearing black paint, you’re a fake ass nigga.
6. Runnin’ this shit like a faucet.
7. I can make ya bitch root for me like I grew her.
8. 90 Billion bitches on my dick like a skewer.
9. I got her over here blowing me like coffee.
10. Bitches sweatin’ me like John Mayer, or warm air.
Curtains ft. Boo
11. I’m getting cake like I’m Jewish.
12. Your bitch ride me like a go kart.
13. I play that pussy like Mozart.
14. I get Adam like Yolonda.
15. She gone ride this dick like the Kentucky-Derby.
16. Game tight like virgins. [Boo]
17. Ain’t got no worries like Tunechi. [Boo]
Days and Days ft. 2 Chainz
18. I milk this shit like cattle.
19. That’s my word like Scrabble.
20. I’m on them trees like candy canes.
21. I pop a nigga like a ‘cycle.
22. [I] drop a nigga like a missile.
Gunwalk ft. Gudda Gudda
23. Cause I’ll pull the trigger like teeth.
24. I pull your card like a lawn mower. [Note: card=cord here]
No Worries ft. Detail
25. These niggas falling off like baggy clothes.
Back to You
26. She ride me like a drive by.
27. I be loaded like software.
28. I beat it up like a fist fight.
29. Blunts like fingers, I’m about to make a fist.
30. Glock clip full like the moon in the sky.
31. Pass that weed, like I studied.
32. And controlling my thoughts is like taming sharks.
33. You ain’t gon hurt nobody like Kid ‘n Play.
34. Eyes hella red like chlorine nigga.
35. These niggas buying hatorade by the twelve pack like two stomachs.
36. I’m laced up like two shoes.
37. And these niggas nag like bitches.
38 and 39. Actin’ like little fags like Richard.
40. You gotta problem I can fix it like a mathematician.
Beat the Shit ft. Gunplay
41. Got a pocket full of ass-whoopings, I’m giving ’em out like nicknames.
42. Get beat like a drum.
43. I’ll bring it to your chest, make you King me like Kong my nigga.
Rich as Fuck ft. 2 Chainz
44. AK on my night stand, right next to that Bible, but I swear with my 50 shots, I’ll shoot it out like 5-0.
45. She get on that dick and stay on all night like porch lights.
46. And I’m sprayin at these rusty niggas like WD-40.
47. Bitch niggas go behind your back like nun-chucks and thats fucked up.
48. I just wanna hit and run like I aint’ got insurance hoe.
49. Then put the bitch out like a house fire.
50. I’m killin these hoes like Michael Myers.
51. I eat that cat just like a lion
52. And pussy feel just like heaven on earth.
Trippy ft. Juicy J
53. I’m blowing like I’m stuck in traffic.
54. I’m smoking on that strong, got me coughing like I’m getting buried. [Coughing=coffin]
55. Eyes rolling back and keep blinking like hazards.
56. Take a bitch home and fuck like rabbits.
Love Me ft. Drake and Future
57. And these hoes love me like Satan.
58. These hoes got pussies like craters.
59. She say my dick feel like morphine.
60. I hope my name tastes like sardines.
61. I stand up in that pussy like a sunroof.
God Bless Amerika
Wowzers ft. Trina
62. ‘Til she tired like a rim.
63. Give her head like a brim.
64. I hope that pussy smell like a violet.
65. Down here waiting for her to cum like payday.
66. Dick head like a bullet.
67. I hope her ass feel like cushion.
68. I hope that pussy tastes like pudding.
69. I’mma leave that ass smoking like a Amsterdam tourist, man.
70. This pussy so clean, like soap in your mouth. [Trina]
72. If that dick like a tree watch me build a treehouse. [Trina]
73. I stay on that dick like a fucking balance beam. [Trina]
Hello ft. Shane Heyl
74. We pass weed like time over here.
75. Don’t worry, I’ll be back if her pussy like crack.
76. And that apple bottom, bite that apple like Mac.
77. Cause I’mma wear this ass out like a uniform.
78, 79, 80. So ride this dick like a horse, pony, unicorn.