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Raising Sexually Pure Kids
Author: Tim LaHaye
Publisher: Multnomah Publishing,
Discovered at: Salvation Army, 112 4th Ave
The Cover Promises: “You can talk to kids of any age about sex.” It’s implied, I hope, that you only should do this with your own.
“You do not want to implant hatred for homosexuals in the heart of your son, but you don’t want him to make them his dearest friends either.”(page 121)
“Until marriage, all girls should consider the area from her neck to her knees as ‘no man’s land.’ Fondling of that area can heighten her emotions and, at certain times of her monthly cycle, make her so passionate she could lose control of her will. Only one man should ever have access to that area: Her husband.” (page 165)
“Sexually active students rarely do well in school,” warns Left Behind co-creator Tim LaHaye and his wife Beverly more than once in Raising Sexually Pure Kids, a book whose terrifying subtitle — “How to prepare your children for the Act of Marriage— suggests it belongs on the shelf next to How to Prep Your Hens for Market.
That subtitle refers to more than parents’ urgent need to send their purebreds to the bridal bed in a blessed state of cleanliness/inexperience. It’s also a plug for another daft sex book from the LaHayes, that Studies in Crap favorite The Act of Marriage, the one that they wrote, they have claimed, after God sent along a sign urging them to: ten frigid women, met by Bev within just two months.
That’s the tricky needle the LaHayes want to thread, if the act of needle-threading isn’t too suggestive for them. They want to terrify young people away from sex right up until they’re married and can benefit from the LaHayes’ book about how Godly and grand sex is, especially when the couple knows about lube, the clitoris, and the “only four positions used frequently enough to consider.” [Yes, all that’s in The Act of Marriage.)
The act of love, though, is for married people– and for parents to talk about to their kids, lest young folks get corrupted by “the cheap and tawdry view of sex that is exhibited by Broadway and Hollywood.”
So, rather than trust Wicked or The Lion King to explain to children everything they need to know about human reproduction, the LaHayes encourage you to speak frankly to your sons and daughters as they grow up, to be “gently aggressive and occasional” in initiating sex-chat. They propose that to a curious elementary schooler you could say this:
“In warm-blooded animals such as elephants, horses, dogs, cats and hamsters, God has equipped the male with a penis.”
Maybe after that you should add “In the case of the dog and the cat, of course, mom, dad and the vet overruled God’s equipment.”
As if to demonstrate how we should all be more comfortable with talking about sex, the LaHayes sometimes seem to add weirdly filthy language into seemingly innocuous sentences:
“Do not be like many parents who wait until they think their kids are old enough for ‘the big talk’ and then dump the whole load on them in one session.”
Discussing sex honestly even when kids are young can help prevent them from developing bad habits.
“Most of the homosexuals I know indulged in masturbation early and frequently. This seems to be a crucial step in adopting a homosexual liifestyle. As frequent masturbators, they learn to associate their genitals with sexual pleasure.”
Yes, the key to healthy sexual development is not to associate the genitals with sexual pleasure. (Note: to Tim LaHaye, author of the abominable The Unhappy Gays, homosexuality is “not a biological reality; it is a learned behavior.”)
All this in-person sexting is building to something, of course. Before we get to that here’s some other notable observations from the LaHayes:
“Nudity outside the bedroom should have no place in a Christian home.”
“From ages eight to ten, children normally look at sex and elimination as a source of crude jokes. At nine they will begin to talk about sex with their friends and use sexual terms in swearing or creating poetry.”
“A girl who gives sexual favors may end up pregnant or with a disease that makes her very unpopular and lonely and could change her life forever.”
“Before he dates, [a boy] should be taught by his parents that girls are not only highly emotional, but their mood swings often follow their monthly menstrual cycle. That accounts for why his girlfriend may cry more easily at times and possibly spend much of a date close to tears.”
Now, this might surprise you, but it turns out that some of the LaHayes’ advice is kind of contradictory. There’s the section titled “Virgins make Good Role Models for Their Children,” obviously. And remember earlier, when they advised that it’s not a good idea to “drop the whole load” on a kid at once? Just a couple chapters later, they propose you do exactly that, that you schedule an actual “date with your teen,” a “dress-up occasion” for which you make “reservations at a nice restaurant” “three or four weeks in advance to build anticipation.” They even advise that you orchestrate theatrical lies:
“It does not hurt for them to overhear you tell someone that you cannot do something when they ask because you have a special date scheduled with your son or daughter.”
And that you prepare yourself thoroughly. In a book teeming with sentences that could be misinterpreted to mean something perverse, this one is the winner:
“Do not presume that because you know all about sex that you can wing it on this date.”
How to prepare?
“Read about some of the sexually transmitted diseases discussed in the glossary. Write down some of the reasons your son or daughter should remain virtuous. Make some notes of what you want to present on a four-by-six card and refer to them during the discussion with your teen.”
Once you’re there, all dolled up, dazzling your teenager, maybe showing some Power Point slides of chlamydia, the LaHayes suggest you share this helpful chart showing how handholding leads to intercourse and then falling off a cliff fully clothed:
Then comes the talk. The LaHayes instruct you to tell your kid that he or she can ask you anything, but that you get it started with some questions of your own. From the list “Questions Fathers Should Ask Their Teen-Age Sons”:
Have you started to feel your sex drive increase lately?
Have your new sexual feelings made it difficult for you to concentrate on your studies, your spiritual life, or Bible reading?
Have you had any wet dreams yet?
Have you masturbated yet?
Are you aware of the emotional pressure a girl feels just before and during her period?
How should a boy treat a girl is he knows she is having her period?
Do you know any promiscuous girls?
Also, if you send the LaHayes $4 and some basic information, they will mail your teen a personalized letter reiterating the things you will talk about on your Parent/Child Sex-Talk Interrogation Night.
As the night progresses, the magic moment nears, the big moment you’ve prepared for in every moment when you haven’t writing humiliating questions onto flashcard. Now is the time for the presentation of the purity ring, “as good as you can afford– so that it will be of unique significance to the teen.”
Yes, the LaHayes believe that you should wow the young and impressionable with fine food and dirty talk before trying to put a ring on it. After using all of the tools of the master seducer to teach kids that they shouldn’t allow themselves to be seduced, the LaHayes devote the remaining chapters to their horrible rules for dating: curfews, only double-dates, all potential dates must interview dad first, no movies or dances, never indulge in more than light kissing, never let anyone touch you in the “erogenous zone” that is “the area from your neck to your knees.”
But all that’s the usual LaHaye nonsense. What’s new and disturbing in this– the sixth LaHaye book to appear in Studies in Crap– is that all of the pushy, manipulative advice they give about wooing a teen to chastity could, with the barest adjustment, come straight from a book about how to get laid.
From a glossary titled “Sex Information Parents Need So They Know More Than Their Children”:
Want more LaHaye in your life? Here’s a coupon for $10 off the test where he deigns to explain everything that’s wrong with you personally!
Other Tim LaHaye-related Studies in Crap columns you might enjoy:
Left Behind visionary Tim LaHaye’s “penetrating” look at The Unhappy Gays
Hey, you could do worse than following @studiesincrap on the Twitter thing.