Fork in the Road is publishing a series of local gift guides this year — one from each regular contributor. This one comes from Zachary Feldman.
No disrespect to any emotionally and physically scarred veteran estheticians out there, but we all know an asshole when we see one. Chances are, one of them may have even made your holiday shopping list by some unfortunate social or genealogical happenstance. If your particular asshole happens to enjoy food and dining culture, we’ve rounded up a few gifts that will leave recipients agape in disbelief with how spot on of a gift giver you are. So shop with confidence and take a good look at your friends and relatives: If the asshole in your life hasn’t revealed themselves yet, you just might be getting one of these.
5. Metro New York Area Local Foods Wheel, $7.50
Have you ever woken up to a glorious sunrise, punched yourself in the face, and then asked out loud, “What ingredients are in season at this very moment?” Although a quick internet search will provide the same information, this rotating dial shows the various fruits, vegetables, grains, meats, dairy products, and traditionally preserved regional foods available to city and surrounding area dwellers. If you know someone so perplexed by harvest cycles that they need a visual aid to help them shop, this is the gift for you.
And you thought Dom DeMarco sold the most expensive slice in town. If your giftee can’t get enough of the Big Apple’s favorite doughy pastime, tease them with this solid slab of dark, milk, or white chocolate molded to look like a pizza slice with toppings. Not only does it not really look like pizza (mostly, it looks like a lumpy monotone triangle), but it tastes only of chocolate. Granted, that chocolate is from beloved city chocolatier Li-Lac, which has been in business since 1923 and makes some phenomenal confections, but as good as chocolate can be, it will never be pizza.
3. Honey Pot, $70
This is the gift Winnie the Pooh would buy himself if only he’d gotten an MBA at Wharton and wound up working at Hundred Acre Wood’s premiere hedge fund (located inside actual shrub hedges). For most people, however, receiving a $70 honey pot is more of a burden than anything. Sure it’s got a super sweet old-fashioned honey dipper, but we’re guessing the novelty wears off quickly. Besides, cleaning that dipper is a pain in the ass (hole).
2. Jamón Carving Master Class, $400
Found yourself shopping for a vegan asshole? If money is no object but you’d still like to saddle that special someone with a worthless (to vegans, anyway) and cumbersome gift, a Serrano ham carving class at Despaña is the perfect fit. Don’t get us wrong, we love Despaña for its tapas, wine store, and hard-to-find Spanish products, but imagine the look on your asshole’s face when they see they’re handed an entire bone-in Fermin-brand Serrano ham complete with ham stand, a ham carving knife, ham apron, ham-covering cloth, instructional ham DVD, and, of course, that two-hour carving class.
1. Spicy and Sexy “I Love Greedy Blondes” Apron, $20.99
Cooking is great. Oral sex? Also great. A saucy romp in the kitchen can be a wonderful thing, but this apron takes the whole “Kiss the Cook” idiom to new heights with a visual depiction of fellatio emblazoned right onto the garment. Anyone who’s sat through an episode of Chopped or Top Chef knows it’s important to constantly taste as you go, but we’re pretty sure even Tom Colicchio would find himself alone if he tried wearing one of these.