As European shoppers emerge from the dark and musky caverns of Hollister, shopping bags filled with whatever the heck they still sell at Hollister in the year 2016, Justin Bieber’s penis greets them. Yes, the Biebs’ peen is all snuggled up in underwear and slightly strangled by the heartthrob’s own hand on the billboard looming above East Houston Street in Soho, the gateway to Broadway and all that has to offer (a Topshop mainly, and a Muji if you need a couple of good pens). In most circumstances, one might simply say, “Ugh, put it away, dude,” but in this instance, New York is thankful: A spread-eagled Biebs shocks, offends, and distracts the slow-moving Europeans who came here to take advantage of the exchange rate. While they stare dumbfounded, New Yorkers can get to where they need to be. Revenge is best served cold but slightly erect, in #mycalvins.