June was rough, right? And I hate to say it, but I do not have high hopes for July! The only thing that’s getting me through it is taking action every day, donating everything I can, and cheering on the wonderful folks who kick Melania’s deadbeat husband and his entire crew of cronies out of their lovely establishments. Let these everyday heroes be the light that guide us to FUCK THOSE NAZIS UP. Them, and TV! We still have TV! That’s what this column is about! So let’s move forward and bury ourselves in the escapism!
Sharp Objects (HBO), July 8
Marti Noxon is back at it again with her shows about fed up women and I’m back at it again with LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT. This one is based on a book by Gillian Flynn, stars Amy Adams, and is directed by Big Little Lies’ Jean-Marc Vallée. All that tells me is that it’s gonna have hell of twists and turns and in the end, you’re gonna be cheering when Amy Adams FUCKS SOME MAN UP. Yes, girl!! Get it! I signed up for some kickboxing classes to take right after every episode so I can channel my rage into cardio. I will pretend the punching bag is Jeff Sessions’s dumpy ol’ face and I will ravage it.
Bobcat Goldthwait’s Misfits & Monsters (truTV), July 11
Scripted anthology series are all the rage, and who better to take one on than the sexiest feline in all of media, Mr. Bobcat Goldthwait himself! This show looks very confusing to me, but I already love it sight unseen; the episodes are a genre-hopping nightmare/dream, pivoting from Seventies sci-fi to rom-com to reality TV. And since it’s a Bobcat joint (sorry for that turn of phrase and also this entire article), the cast is BEYOND: Michael Ian Black, Bridget Everett, Melissa Joan Hart, Dave Foley, and Danny Pudi. Related: Find me when I’m drunk at a party and I will do a Bobcat Goldthwait impression that will make you crap your pants with delight.
In Search of (History), July 20
OH HELL YES ZACHARY QUINTO BACK ON THE AIRWAVES. The fionest man in all of TV is back to ignite our loins and perplex our brains as he revives this investigative series from the 1970s. Fun fact: Leonard Nimoy (a/k/a Spock) (a/k/a excellent photographer of awesome fat women) hosted the original, and now Zachary (also a/k/a Spock) is taking over the reins. They’re just two wonderful men gracing our TVs and bringing us all sorts of shock and awe and good vibes. Maybe the world isn’t total garbage after all!! (Sike: It is! But these two dudes are A-OK!)
Castle Rock (Hulu), July 25
From producer J.J. Abrams and Your Scary-Time TV Dad Stephen King comes this spooky-scary show set in one of the author’s beloved terrifying fictional Maine towns. Essentially, the place is possessed by a dark spirit — à la the ship in Event Horizon, the scariest fucking movie in the world. At least outside of Return to Oz and The Care Bears Movie. The only hope for any of these people is to move the fuck out of their town but they never will and so they’re all destined to live in fear and die horrific deaths. I don’t know; the times might be too dark for this show right now, seeing as how the president and his party are trying to Event Horizon us all. But maybe you like to go darker to get to the light. You gotta do you.
Making It (NBC), July 31
Your imaginary parents Amy Poehler and Nick Offerman host a crafting competition series that pits amateur makers against each other to create rad shit with their hands. Sometimes humans are capable of creating magic, and maybe watching nice people build things will make you feel relaxed and happy? If so, this will be the perfect thing to calm down to after a long day of screaming into your pillow.
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