Pitches Ain’t Shit


Seven Proposals for a Film in Which Steve Martin Will Appear in Full Hip-Hop Drag With Appropriate Slang for Not Less Than Six Minutes With the Catch That It Must Feature Queen Latifah as the Romantic Lead and Diligently Raise the Specter of Interracial Congress Which Must Nevertheless Not Be Consummated No Matter What Please:

1. Shy inventor’s heiress wife (Lisa Kudrow) is kidnapped by evil record producers (Delroy Lindo, Noah Wyle). To get her back, he must win entrance to their superstudio by seducing the secretary into setting up an audition—rescues wife after dazzling producers with cover of “Bitch Betta Have My Money.”

2. Remake of The Pelican Brief, but this time the law student’s African American, and the journalist works for Vibe!

3. In pursuit of a job at a more prestigious university, a professor of Whiteness Studies discovers the hiring committee has been directed to “go Affirmative Action on this one” by evil administrators (Delroy Lindo, Noah Wyle); enlists janitor at his humble but decent college to “teach him some moves.” In the end, loses job to Method Man, but janitor, ironically enough, teaches him a lesson: There’s no place like home, boy. Reconnects with wife (Jennifer Beals).

4. Remake of Bulworth, but this time he’s gay!

5. When a lonely lawyer meets a woman on the Internet who happens to be in prison, she breaks out to be with him and proceeds to wreak havoc on his middle-class life; he saves her from evil evildoer (Steve Harris) before reconnecting with wife (Jean Smart).

6. Remake of Chicago, but this time in the Boogie Down Bronx c. 1979!

7. Haunted by memories of an adulterous affair (Whitney Houston) that ended his marriage and career, an embittered, silver-haired Rabbit Smith, former rap star, waits for his mortgage to be foreclosed by evil bankers (Delroy Lindo, Noah Wyle). A mysterious, robust black woman appears with plans to “put on a show” and save the farm. Just in time, she’s revealed to be his illegitimate daughter. Hilarity ensues. Reconnects with wife (Kim Basinger).