In Praise of Promiscuity

As gay marriage becomes the norm, oldsters ask, when did gay life morph into a Jane Austen novel?

In Praise of Promiscuity
Jeff Palmer

Event planner Michael Scarna, 31, was walking down the street one day when he realized he wanted to be in a relationship. Soon thereafter, he met Michael Lamasa, now 26. The two Michaels met on MySpace a little over four years ago and are busy planning a 2012 wedding. They plan on raising a family in a few years. Lamasa was keeping his eyes open for the right guy since his early 20s. “I’ve always seen myself as a serial monogamist,” the working actor says. “I came out when I was 16. By the time I went to college, I was moving toward a more relaxed, settled-down lifestyle. Family was always important to me. My fun when I grew up wasn’t from experimenting sexually.”

Contrast that experience with the burst of random gay sex during the post-Stonewall years. Sex was anywhere, anytime, with anyone. Those days now exist only in novels like Andrew Holleran’s Dancer From the Dance, memoirs like Edmund White’s, documentaries like Gay Sex in the 70s, and the fading memories of a generation decimated by the AIDS epidemic, which brought the dream of sexual liberation to a screeching halt.

Ongoing discussions with men of various ages, numerous blogs and articles, and firsthand experience all point to a generational shift in the way gay men perceive their sex lives and relationships. With marriage and children taking the place of rampant sex, oldsters are asking themselves, how did gay life morph from a porn film into a Jane Austen novel?

Or did promiscuity just go deeper underground? James, 30, produces New York Jock Party, the city’s most exclusive “underwear party.” Nearly all of his patrons, in their 20s, “are more clean-cut, and if they’re promiscuous, they try not to show it,” he observes. “We’re supposed to set a good example. If we’re promiscuous, that’s not what straight people do. They see sex clubs as equaling STDs and drugs. ‘Sex party’ has bad connotations. If they want to be dirty and promiscuous, they really don’t want people to know about it.”

The city’s best-known promoter of raunchy parties, Daniel Nardicio, is witnessing “a lot of judgment. Guys tell me proudly they’ve never been to one of my events,” he says. “They’ve got to brag because they’re ‘better’ than being sexual.”

Kane Race, a professor at the University of Sydney, in Australia, believes that technology—websites like the ubiquitous ManHunt.com and mobile apps like Grindr—has taken the place of public spaces or even semi-private ones like the baths. Cruising “has moved online, which is a major shift from the bar, club, venue, and street-based sexual cultures of the 20th century,” he says. “It represents an increasingly privatized sexual culture.”

Or, as another professional observer, New York University professor Philip Brian Harper, puts it: “When there was no ManHunt, the manhunt had to take place in public contexts rather than in private spaces in front of a computer screen.” Hook-up sites and Grindr have made sexual contact easier, “but the serendipity of gay male sexual encounters has been diminished.”

In his landmark 2002 book The Soul Beneath the Skin, David Nimmons analyzed gay relationships on all levels and found that they often arise from casual sex. But then, in 2004, Massachusetts became to first state to legalize gay marriage. For Michael Warner—now at Yale, the best-known exponent of radical gay sexual liberation, and a founder of Sex Panic!, a short-lived group dedicated to fighting buttoned-down sexual conformity and Rudy Giuliani’s war on quasi-public sex—the goal of marriage is the result of collusion among gay-rights groups, the media, and conservative gay pundits like Andrew Sullivan. “All people in their 20s are seeing is this rhetoric,” he complains. “National organizations exclusively tie gay identity to marriage. These young people have no historical memory of earlier struggles, no direct experience of the pre-online world. What we wanted all along was to change straight society. Instead, we fixated on these little tokens and lost the vision of transforming the way people live.”

Today’s activists take to the streets not to protest sex venues closing but to demand marriage. Jake Goodman, 32, is involved with Queer Rising, a grassroots organization that has staged protests against the New York legislature. Although Goodman emphasizes that the group has other issues, and many active members have a problem with the “patriarchy and gender roles” associated with marriage, “it’s a question of rights and protections, and immigration issues. The fact that we’re fighting doesn’t mean we necessarily want to get married.”

Even so, the highly visible (and, Warner complains, stolidly middle-class) marriage movement has steered young guys away from the many and varied ways gay men have traditionally formed relationships. A widely reported study earlier this year showed that at least half of partnered gay men in San Francisco had developed some form of an open relationship. “What’s the reality and what’s the story?” Warner asks. “The story is all gay men want marriage. Guys in their teens and early 20s believe that because that’s all they see. But the reality is that people continue to be creative in their actual lives. We’ve got a real disconnect between the way people live and the way they’re ‘supposed’ to live.”

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Generic Viagra

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Jonathan Lund
Jonathan Lund

Uh...anyone who is alive and at least 18 right now will probably not benefit much from gay marriage. Gay men for the most part can't and won't 'date'; they won't work things through nor are they willing to do anything that involves compromising or 'not having it their way'. Gay marriage is not the reality for the majority of us who live in a society where gay people little to no social skills that allow us to be able to get that dating experience, grow a little emotionally, respect each other - and learn something from it! - and finally meet the right person and get on with life. We make up such a tiny percentage of the population to start with, then we have these ridiculously high expectations in who we will go out with; then ten years later are stunned when nothing happens. Sure, straight society has done their work in accepting us, but how about gay people accepting/tolerating each other? If you want gay people to be on board with 'marriage equality' then you have to give them a reason to believe this will really happen for them someday too. Otherwise it's as selfish as asking a bunch of women who can't have kids to go to a bunch of events that are full of new mothers with their babies. The gay marriage issue is difficult in the community because you've got a small number of gay people who really have met someone and truly want to get married, and you have a very large amount of gay men who have waited and waited, came out, nothing happened, maybe moved to a bigger city, nothing happened...now it's too painful of a topic to get into for them. Until we all believe this could happen in our own lives, it's going to stay this way.

Smith Dale
Smith Dale

Time out! The Civil War was NOT "against the Africans." What are smoking? You seem to know very little about American history

Bostjan Avsec
Bostjan Avsec

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Herbert Rusche
Herbert Rusche

Schwule mittlerweile spieĂźiger als die SpieĂźer! Ich hab es kommen sehen...

dcbsky
dcbsky

My takeaway from this is that the old queens are bummed that the twentysomethings are off limits due to their dream - or reality - of marriage. If so, I beg to differ: They never wanted your tired old ass in the first place; "marriage" is just the newest convenient brush off. Get used to it.

A Collins
A Collins

Isn't conformity to the value of promiscuity just as knee-jerk as unquestioning traditional religious-based moral aversion to sexuality? Would it kill a partner to stay home until tomorrow when his partner is horny again? When I was coming out, most gay men refused to sacrifice that one night and lost their lives by the thousands. Promiscuity is highly overrated.

David
David

Fabulous article! As a not-so-young gay man who came out a shade on the later side (mid-20s) and led a very repressed, conservative, closeted youth, I discovered that playing the field and open relationships were my thing -- and that they in no way conflict with close friendships, meaningful relationships, or family ties (I'm quite close with my entire immediate family, including six wonderful nieces and nephews). I find it sad that so many of the younger set veer to the extremes of either committed marriage or thoughtless (and frequently unsafe) promiscuity when there's a vast, and wonderful, middle ground in between.

StreetCruiser2011
StreetCruiser2011

Harper: "There was the promiscuousness of finding yourself in the middle of a cruising situation even if you weren’t going anywhere. It’s a lot like browsing in a bookstore. Speaking as a gay man, that’s something I miss. A lot.” Lol, seriously? You live in NYC, right? Maybe you've just forgotten how to cruise in public....?

Fly3769
Fly3769

Given that the world is overpopulated - and the means employed by duplicitous merchants of power have not resulted in its reduction {particularly in Africa} I doubt that men loving men and women loving women will radically transform 'the preservation of mankind'.

Same gender loving people have the capacity to extend the proverb...'Raising a child take s a community'. Same gender loving is no more 'egotistical' than the love of which you speak. If we are to live in a world of symbiosis, than we must learn to live and let live....with the knowledge that a universal spirit will guide us towards living, loving and learning. And each individual will have a uniquely different interaction.

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Asdasd
Asdasd

i mean, noone cares about relationships and marriage, that is.you would probably be surprised to know that russia is much more liberal in this aspect (and many others as well), contrary to what you get from your cold war era media.i, for one, am a bisexual, so i know what i'm talking about.

Asdasd
Asdasd

that's america. noone cares about this shit in russia. and that is great

Tommy Sheridan
Tommy Sheridan

The claims in this article are not based on empirical evidence. Proving that one generation is less promiscuous than another is virtually impossible, because this is one area where people lie. I think the best you can say is that younger guys might want to come across as less promiscuous, and older guys stop caring. But I'd say that was just as true in the early 1990s when I came out, as now. And even that sort of claim would need a large-scale empirical study to test. The article assumes that people who want gay marriage also want monogamy. But I've read a lot of pro-gay marriage stuff and it rarely talks about monogamy.

So I'm afraid I'm not buying any of this.

NightwingNoVA
NightwingNoVA

Hurrah for gay marriage!

It is about equal choices and societal benefits.

Unfortunately, there are those who are trying to make it about their own wishes for the gay community.

There is neither a “gay lifestyle” nor a “straight lifestyle.” But, there are generational differences in gays’ approach to personal relationships. It is true that this is because of the differences in social environments in which each generation of gays matured. Younger gays tend to have had their gay identity integrated into their family and social lives as they were growing up. They therefore will tend to experience life closer to that of the average teenager and young adult rather than dealing with sexual identity and constantly wanting to satiate forbidden sexual desires. Younger gays tend to be more comfortable with their romantic desires. For them, it is about being a whole person where romantic/sexual impulses take their rightful place as one of the many components of their personalities.

In the end, it is all about choices. If gays want commitment, then they should pursue it. If it makes them happy, they should stick to it. And that is what many gays are saying in their quest for marriage equality, as opposed to having their sexual impulses dominate their interactions with the rest of the world.

Yet, there are some gays who see the gay culture of the past as the rightful and pure culture for the gay community. Culture changes – always, since the beginning of time. As society accepts us more, the less we will rebel and the more we will seek and benefit from committed relationships.

Some gays see the gay community as a force to transform straight society and eliminate what they see (and experienced) as its wrongs. While we may all agree that there are societal injustices, rejecting all that is “straight” is not a good solution; most of what both straight and gay folks want and do in their lives are simply generic human – which cannot be isolated by sexual orientation. Nor should we try to find a uniquely gay way of living because of distasteful experiences with “straight society.” While some of us may have had bad experiences, those are personal and do not necessarily mean that “straight culture” is uniformly bad and needs to be transformed. Together, society will keep addressing its wrongs.

Some want folks to be less “interested in following the rules than being themselves” – meaning to be “gay” instead of trying to integrate and be “straight.” Freedom is one of the greatest rights. That is what all gay men and women should aspire to achieve – to live their lives with the same opportunities as others and to be able to make the same decisions: marriage and commitment being one of them.

Grdfgjdfsjsdjjdfls
Grdfgjdfsjsdjjdfls

I believe the writer does not get it. The writer is part of the locust boomers. He does not get that his generation's spoiled brat selfish me above everyone behavior has destroyed the country.From failed ideology in economics that were proven failed a century ago, but it was resurrected by the locust boomers because they know better. To war making - yelling, hell no we won't go when their behind was on the line in Vietnam, but once safe -screw the kids and make more war. To the destruction of social services for the needy for the last 20yrs that started in earnest with boomer president Clinton. To the selling out of the political duopoly to big business, and the removal of safety valves and brakes created by previous generation to ensure that power would not concentrate. Let's see Glass-Steagal, Radio-TV&Newspaper ownership, you name it -the whore locust boomers have done it.

Emmanuel TheEnamored
Emmanuel TheEnamored

For the life of me, I can't believe that someone actually is advocating gay and actually supporting this endeavor as legitimate in an age where we're still intensely combating HIV/AIDS infection..are U kidding me. In an age when HIV is running rampant in most minority communities...you'd rather go back to the days when you were limited to just cruising in the bars, books stores and being limited to just that. I'm 29...and I don't know any guy around my age who feels like they "must" get married. Most of us understand that the sex is out there and we can get it if we want but would be even better to have the option to be coupled and be married when the time comes. It's all about options ..and has less to do with conforming to some heterosexual ideology. How can that be when majority of people in the country don't stay married for too long. It's really about having options and a tax paying citizen like myself knowing that in times of crises or my untimely death or timely death my mate whom I've built my life with can stand in court and claim my estate without it being tossed to the state. And another thing, I don't know what 20 year olds you know but I don't know any 20 year old who is all caught up in just being monogamous....You said it yourself that the internet has made it easy to be promiscuous, yes this is true...I did it for years...and 29, frankly I'm tired and want a better life with stability and constancy. The worst thing I would want for myself is to wake up at age 50 and ask myself what the hell i was doing the past 30 years to have gone to bed alone. I want to begin planting the seeds now for a long term relationship so that I can ensure that I don't age alone or be rendered desperate, throwing gifts and making concesssions to kids 30 yrs my junior for sex when I'm 50.

Kaibelf
Kaibelf

What a load of hooey. Gay youth are pushing for marriage because it's something that they realize they deserve. They pay taxes, they work, they have private lives, and they want to be able to have the option just like everyone else. Promiscuity is still around, and always will be, for gays and straights alike. That doesn't mean one is better than the other, but I'd rather fight against someone telling me what I can't do than simply say "Oh, this is easy to get to" (the online and random sex) and be satisfied with that. If you want to only have random sex as a possibility and not actually go for the full set of options, then that's your choice, but don't expect me, at 34, to follow "the gay rules" and leave my boyfriend/husband in the cold when it comes to my estate. No thanks. And for the record, I'm perfectly satisfied with being monogamous to him, because there's more to our relationship than sex.

HKguy
HKguy

"Yours is the prejudice that caused the American Civil War against the Africans."

The fact that someone like you is using this argument is beyond weird.

Venmaker1
Venmaker1

Hmmm, I think the simple answer is as gay men and women have more options in their lives across all of life’s strata the more we will see diversification. I am 43 yo, partnered with kids and have what many older gay men would probably call a boring suburban lifestyle. But we love it. My partner and I are very similar in that the sex is good and enough for both of us, it doesn’t make it into the top five important things in our lives, and it barely makes it into the top ten. I had what I would consider a typical 20 something sex life, lots of bad and good experiences. I was fortunate to have a family, in the south mind you, who had no issue with my sexuality and as a result I grew up with as close to a “normed” childhood as one can. It’s all evolution, as conditions change, a person adapts to suit the needs. I see this as good for a gay person, it may be bad for gay culture as it has been known.

Juan Eldicko
Juan Eldicko

Fear of a gay planet? That's all you've got? The planet has allways been and will continue to be at least 80% heterosexual. That's no reason to dump on the LBGT population. There is no gaurantee of extinction from equal rights for non hetero's.

Ronald Banks
Ronald Banks

This is a really nice story to read. Gay life is much more different now when I was out going to bars and hoping to hook-up with a gooding man. Protective sex is the wasy to go these days: because of HIV; STD's and etc. I would love, to get involved, in another serious relationship- but afraid of being hurt again and again. So, I'm a loner and lonely. I spend most of my time hiking going to a good movie; and chatting on the internet and reading a nice book and alittle taste of wine sometime to relaxe me. Sometime might hook-up with a friend and go out for a bite to eat and back home behind four walls again.

Reading this story, about the two men, who are seeking marriage, must be really sure of each others love and passion, for each other is great when the time is right. I wish them both the best.

Joe
Joe

Please do not waste your time reading the Village Voice.

HKguy
HKguy

"How many straight people pretend to be so monogamous when they are having sex behind their spouses' backs."

You obviously have not read anything about politics, sports, entertainment or religious leaders over the past few years .

MOCBlogger
MOCBlogger

Great observations but what about the alarming rise in HIV rates among minority youth? That doesn't sound very monogamous to me. Is this just a white phenomenon?

juliarix
juliarix

If you have been recently diagnosed with STD, you may be upset and confused and think your sexual life is over. However, it's not the end of the world, and it's not the end of your social life. You are not alone! Check STDsingle. com. Many cities in the US and around the world have herpes/HIV/HPV/Hepatitis social and support groups that you can join to meet others who are in the same situation.

Pro-Normal
Pro-Normal

"Event planner Michael Scarna, 31, was walking down the street one day when he realized he wanted to be in a relationship. Soon thereafter, he met Michael Lamasa, now 26. The two Michaels met on MySpace a little over four years ago and are busy planning a 2012 wedding."

And who said homosexuals don't CHOOSE to be gay? You see, the gay community continues to bash themselves and prove just how much of a disorder it is to gay. Not only a disorder, but a form of mental retardation and a dysfunction in general. These creatures don't even worth the flesh they live in

Stanley J
Stanley J

As one of my good neighbors said a couple yrs ago, we need gay marriage to help gays stabilize their relaitonships. Its good for them good for the country and also helps to prrevent spread of STDs.

those who are desperately trying to stop gay marriage are the catholic and southern evangelists type churches. The people who also talk about protecting life.

this goes ffar beyond hypocrisy - it is really part of trying both to stop a movement that is on the verge of success, while these religious zealots could care less about the health of gay people.

Its aLmost like how hitler was throwing the gays and jews etc into the ovens , while building up his own economy.

HKguy
HKguy

So if you're promiscuous you're conforming, and if you're not monogamous you're conforming, according to you.

And AIDS was caused by a virus, not promiscuity. Quit promulgating a myth.

Fly3769
Fly3769

Brilliant overview of where we are at. Some groups/individuals who claim to act on behalf of the 'gay community' need to become more self-aware, and realize that we have 'many communities'. Not a generic community.Surely, as you have stated freedom is the goal. And to marginalize anothers view because it does not conform to the 'party line', smacks of self-interest and control, in my opinion.

Katy Hoover
Katy Hoover

There is neither a “gay lifestyle” nor a “straight lifestyle.” But, there are generational differences in gays’ approach to personal relationships. It is true that this is because of the differences in social environments in which each generation of gays matured@ I paid $32.67 for a XBOX 360 and my mom got a 17 inch Toshiba laptop for $94.83 being delivered to our house tomorrow by FedEX. I will never again pay expensive retail prices at stores. I even sold a 46 inch HDTV to my boss for $650 and it only cost me $52.78 to get. Here is the website we using to get all this stuff, BetaSell.com

HKguy
HKguy

I'm not quite getting why celebrating multiple partners (safely, responsibly) and cruising are one of those factors that "has destroyed this country." You're casting a pretty wide net there.

HKguy
HKguy

Having a lot of sex doesn't have to equate with contracting HIV. Trust me on this one!

Seriously?
Seriously?

I don't know. Maybe. But I have a sneaking suspicion that many of those quoted in this article aren't necessarily speaking or thinking from a minority, low-income, or non-urban perspective. B/c there are actually queer folks out there, especially from those sorts of backgrounds, who might actually greatly benefit from all these icky marriage equality fights, and all that pesky STD prevention education keeping all those yummy little twinks away Black Night or whatever. I mean I respect the struggles of all those previous generations of LGBT folks, who didn't get to grow up at a point in history where they were encouraged to express their love/sexuality freely and without having to justify themselves like many of us younger folks were. By no means am I saying we're at the point we need to be, but it seems we're headed in that direction and wasn't that sort of the goal of all those struggles? Like if I want to come to a sex party in NY and roll around in the kiddie pool in the bukkake room, that's my choice and it's fine. But if I want to settle down with a nice guy in a stable monogamous (or not, again my choice) relationship and enjoy things like respect, friendship, and loyalty along with my sex, not to mention the ten thousand other benefits that currently come with civil heterosexual marriage, that's a pretty valid choice too. In both cases, I'm being a "proper" gay, b/c I'm owning my sexuality and not making any apologies for it. Right? No?

I think the disconnect here is with the word "normal." It seems as though this article is defining it as "like the straights" or "white picket fence, 2.3 kids," whereas I choose to define it as "being able to do whatever I want with my dick whenever I want without having to justify said dick's actions to - or receive consent for said dick's actions from -anyone except myself and my partner(s). Not the government and especially not some strange 50 year old dude in New York who says I'm being a bad gay, because I'm not really into hooking up him, which is to say some dude who reminisces IN PUBLIC about the good old days when he would have been able to use me for his own ends and then throw me out like old tissue." That's so beyond ridiculous that ridiculous was 10 miles ago.

That said, Happy Pride everyone! And perhaps in the middle of all the revelry take a moment to think about what that actually means, b/c this article ain't where it's at, man...

Smith Dale
Smith Dale

I disagree, Pro-Normal (what a name!). Nobody chooses to be gay. What the article illustrates is that a gay man can CHOOSE how to manifest that sexuality -- either by bedhopping or seeking something that may endure and be monogamous. Monogamy is a concept, a goal. Not everyone is guaranteed to succeed, but that doesn't mean no one should aspire to it.

Michael
Michael

To start, thank you for your impeccable grammar and sentence structure.

Now, I also think that Mister Scarna, and many other homosexuals, chose to be gay... but gay in the way Cole Porter and Noel Coward wrote it. The choice that has been made by many homosexuals is a choice to be HAPPY. I highly recommend that you try it.

Being a homosexual is not a choice. Accepting that you are a homosexual is, however... It goes hand in hand with choosing to be happy, choosing not to wear socks with sandals, and choosing not to be affected negatively by the backward thinkers that hold us down.

So, you see? We all have choices in life. The choice you have made is to be viscous, cruel, blind, and illiterate, aparrantly... But it's never too late to choose something else.

Allison Tucker
Allison Tucker

How many straight people pretend to be so monogamous when they are having sex behind their spouses' backs or the straight women who are so easy while crying how they cannot find a "relationship"? What is normal? Look at all of the sexual shenanigans of many in the heterosexual world.

Juan Eldicko
Juan Eldicko

What is "Normal" is actually a number(or percent) used to represent part of the population present or past. Part of the population was, is, and will continue to be homosexual. It is a form of mental retardation not to see or understand this. Pro-normal my ass.

Jens De Boeck
Jens De Boeck

Come On !!! ... I think people like you do have a disorder. Where is your humanity in this reaction ?If you do not get along with homosexuals, then do not look at themThe fact that you react to this is that you still have a certain interestAnd if you decide on your own that they have no right to happiness I think you have any more

randwatters
randwatters

What is like living in your sewer of hate? I can't even imagine.

Publius
Publius

A virus that spread so quickly as a result of promiscuity. Quit promulgating a lie.

Publius
Publius

Because it is the epitome of excess and decadence.

Smith Dale
Smith Dale

Yes, having a lot of sex doesn't necessitate contracting HIV; but it does increase the risk. I believe the old theory that when you have sex with one person, you're having sex with EVERYONE that person has slept with.

HKguy
HKguy

Because straight people weren't having a lot of sex in the '70s? Go rent "Studio" about Studio 54.

 
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