By Jared Chausow
By Katie Toth
By Elizabeth Flock
By Albert Samaha
By Anna Merlan
By Jon Campbell
By Jon Campbell
By Albert Samaha
Last month, evangelical leaders gathered in D.C. for the Values Voter Summit, where disciples of the Pissed-Off Jesus harrumphed and yammered about how much America sucked. That’s when the bomb ignited.
Dallas megachurch preacher Robert Jeffress was on hand to introduce Rick Perry. He warned that Mormon “cult” members were not only despoiling Broadway, but were actually running for president. “Non-Christians” like Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman had invaded the Republican primary like a bunch of damn Mexicans – and they didn’t even have comparable skill at operating a riding lawn mower.
If patriots didn’t take heed, Jeffress cautioned, America would soon be possessed by heretics. The nation was shocked. Until that moment, Mormons were considered a mere nuisance, polite yet pesky young men who came to the door when you were trying to watch Supernanny. Or perhaps they were paid spokesmodels for the short-sleeved dress shirt industry. No one was certain. But Jeffress uncloaked them as enemies of Jesus. They might even be worse than Muslims, who at least offered competitively priced 40-ouncers of Midnight Dragon at their convenience stores. So we decided to get to the bottom of this menace, providing answers to your most alarmed and misguided questions:
Why do Mormons worship Satan?
They don’t, actually. They believe in God and Jesus. It’s just that those guys get busy, so they named Joseph Smith their VP of Operations here on Earth. Smith was a magician from Palmyra, New York in the 1820s. He was also the first American to possess superpowers, claiming he could find precious minerals and buried treasure by staring at rocks. Farmers paid him $3 a day to locate riches beneath their fields. Alas, the buried gem market in Upstate New York wasn’t what it was thought to be, otherwise Smith would have found it. So he decided to start an exciting new career as a prophet. As fortune would have it, he began receiving visits from the Angel Moroni. Though often mistaken for the fake Italian chef in Olive Garden commercials, Moroni was actually a warrior-priest from this country’s earliest civilization.
So you’re saying Mormonism was founded by a schizophrenic?
No. Schizophrenia hadn’t been invented yet. And at the time, half the population of Upstate New York was claiming to be prophets, since it paid better than having X-ray ground vision. Moroni told Smith about some Golden Plates buried on a hill. They warned of religious corruption, pointing the way to a New & Improved Christianity. That’s when Smith discovered a second superpower – the ability to decipher ancient languages, which weren’t regarded for their penmanship. He translated the plates into the Book of Mormon. It was like the Bible, only better. Critics were soon hailing it as a “tour de force of ecclesiastical drama.”
He had the audacity to rewrite God’s words?
Yes. Smith had inadvertently launched the My God is Way Better Than Yours Period, a belief still practiced today by great leaders like Rev. Jeffress. Missionaries were sent out to convert followers. Word reached Ohio that he’d pioneered a fabulous new religion. So Smith teamed up with a preacher there and moved Mormon headquarters to a town outside of Cleveland.
What kind of prophet willingly moves to Cleveland?
Exactly. Though to be fair, this was the 1830s, when Cleveland was still celebrated by Chamber of Commerce types as the “Krakow of the Rust Belt,” its restaurants known for serving the finest gruel on the western frontier. With his flock growing, Smith started a bank. But he was an inexperienced prophet still grasping the subtleties of his all-seeing powers. He failed to arrange a golden parachute. When the bank went bust, he wasn’t justly rewarded for blowing everyone’s money, as bankers so rightfully are today. In fact, the flock was pissed. So they kicked his ass all the way to Jackson County, Missouri.
Is that where he went perv?
Yes. Smith realized that a religion known for bank failure and an inability to find buried treasure lacked market potential. Fortunately, God intervened, introducing Smith to polygamy, which allowed men to take as many wives as they pleased. The new Unlimited Chicks for My Guys campaign was a hit. The Mormon enclave blossomed. Bonus round: Smith’s money problems were also solved when God told him about the Law of Tithing, which ordered Mormons to give 10 percent of their income to Joseph Smith, thus saving him the hassle of wrecking another bank. But like Rev. Jeffress, the good Christians of Jackson County were outraged. Polygamy was not only heresy, but the Mormons were hogging all the chicks. So the Christians naturally asked themselves, “What Would Jesus Do?” Jesus apparently told them to burn down Mormon homes and kick their ass to Illinois. The Mormons tried torching Christian houses in response, but showed an inferior gift for arson.
So you don’t want a Mormon to have your back in a bar fight?
They may like black people, now, but they still have a very real problem, elsewhere. The verse, Mormon (7:5), states that Jesus Christ "was slain by the Jews", a sentiment that has caused Jews considerable grief, over the centuries. I have this recurring fantasy of Mitt Romney screaming at his sect's leader, "Don't you know that I'm running for office!?"
What a shallow piece utterly devoid of any original humor. Apparently you've been to Cleveland. How about Krakow? Oh, wait, I bet Trey Parker stole all your material. No wonder this rag can't give away copies anymore.
This article is hilarious, reads like it's right out of Die Sturmer!
You should be ashamed of your bigotry.
phucky u pete kotz n yr lowblow rips on cleveland. was that necessary? this is what remains of the voice writers? taking everyone and everything down in flames as it fades into irrelevance? are u even aware clevelanders built a huge chunk of manhattan and even today are a major source of funds for its museums and control its sports teams? aw never mind. you just better hope the #ows movement does not grow because they will be coming for rich entitled trustfund snobs like you first.
@Peter Gephardt I have lived in both. Seriously. And, I like Krakow better!
But come on now, it is ALL true. I'm from Upstate NY and Western NY originally: the documents showing Joseph Smith was found guilty of skrying (charging money conning people as a treasure seeker, using magic peep stones) do exist. The LDS church still has those peep stones and considers them to be religious relics--because Joseph Smith later used those peepstones to translate the Book of Mormon from the "golden plates" that the Angel Moroni took back with him when he went...wherever he went.
The Kirtland Anti-Banking Scandal did happen (since Joseph and minions were not legally allowed to call it a bank they called it an Anti-bank, lol); said anti-bank did in fact fail due to their greed and his mismanagement/taking of all the assets. He fled first, his buddies followed after--the other Mormons who got screwed were the ones who chased them away.
In Carthage jail, Joseph Smith drank liquor and had a revolver smuggled in to him--which he shot, when he and his buddy broke out of jail, killing two men in the mob/crowd who were there to lynch him. They were there to lynch him not because he was Mormon but because A) he committed treason by ordering the destruction of a printing press which had printed news of his crimes and misdeeds, and B) he committed bigamy and polygamy, then lied about it to his wife, and his church members, and to the US the government. They wanted him dead for another reason: he declared himself General of his own religious army, armed himself and his followers and massed up on the border and said they were going to come across, and anyone in their way be damned. He wanted a cult theocracy with himself at its head. He did not get it, but for a time, in Utah, Brigham Young did.
Brigham Young and his cronies made Brigham's adopted son John D Lee & company, take the fall for Mountain Meadows Massacre. They and their Lamanite/Indian friends ambushed and killed every man woman and child over the age of 8--then threw their bones into mass graves after wolves got to them first, and ripped them apart. THEN they billed the US government for the food and clothes of the children they took home with them. AFTER, of course, tithing 10% to Brigham Young, and sharing the rest among themselves. They took the supplies, money, food, farm implements and horses, and gave each other equal shares of the loot before giving some as payment to the Indians.
The temple oaths once required you to swear vengeance against the United States of America and her citizens, against all Gentiles, actually (to Mormons, Gentiles means all non Mormons) as the killers of Joseph Smith. THIS is why non Mormons hated them and were wary and fearful of them. NOT the fact that they were different or believed Joseph Smith was a prophet. The LDS church took the oaths out, except for the parts where the throat slitting and disemboweling motions are left in, and the words "suffer my own life to be taken" are remnants of same.