By Alex Distefano
By Scott Snowden
By Anna Merlan
By Steve Almond
By Jena Ardell
By Jon Campbell
By Alan Scherstuhl
By Tessa Stuart
Leaked document reveals the secrets of the GOP's coded language
Next week, the Republican Party will convene in Tampa to plot world domination. And you're feeling left out.
Yes, you badly want in on the ground floor of the next culture war or invasion of a small, preferably Muslim country. Yet the GOP speaks in an elusive language only its followers understand. With just a few coded words, it's able to mobilize the loyalists—while simultaneously dismissing everyone else as un-American and quite possibly queer.
Rosetta Stone offers no help, for this is a dialect only deciphered with written authorization from Jesus or Goldman Sachs. You worry the march to godliness will go forth without you. You'll be left behind with Rosie O'Donnell and those eco-fairies who bicycle to work.
Yet a recently leaked glossary lays bare the mystery of the Republican tongue. Now you too can speak with the superiority of talk radio hosts and pissed-off old guys who live in mobile home parks on the outskirts of Jacksonville. Enjoy your seat at the right hand of God!
Abortion: Reproductive issue best decided by preachers from rural Georgia who believe babies are conceived by using public restrooms
American: True patriot who hates all the right things, including but not exclusive to taxes, unbreaded chicken, California, female sportscasters, the Toyota Prius, people who speak Mexican, BET, free-range vegetables, public radio, Al Sharpton, whales . . .
Apologizing: The treasonous admission that America is not always perfect. Usually committed by people who can't even tastefully match their cowboy boots with their firearms.
Bain Capital: Massachusetts investment firm celebrated for providing investors with huge returns by laying off thousands of workers, cutting health care benefits, and shipping jobs to those places where foreigners live. Will serve as the model for U.S. economic recovery once the infidel is smote.
Bible: Inerrant history book starring omnipotent being who sentences others to eternal damnation unless they do what he says. Think of Pat Robertson, only with a hillbilly beard and the ability to part seas.
Chick-fil-A: Baptist version of eating kosher. Only sells chickens that have provided a documented history of heterosexuality to a commission of small-town Chamber of Commerce officials.
Christian: GOP delegate who has devoted his life to Jesus, handguns, and repealing the Clean Water Act. Will be doing missionary work at Tampa gentlemen's clubs next week. At least that's what he'll tell his wife when the MasterCard bill arrives, LOL!
Christian persecution: When school board bars teacher from conducting faith-healing sessions in his seventh-grade biology class
Class warfare: Indefensible act of pitting America against the wealthy, but perfectly reasonable when mocking moms on welfare, so they'll finally learn not to wear spandex with a butt that size
College: American version of Maoist re-education camp, where liberal professors encourage impressionable youth to enjoy critical thinking, Jäger shots, and recreational intercourse
Constitutional conservatism: Belief that our founding document should be strictly interpreted—even though it was written by guys who wore wigs and capri pants but were definitely not trannies, since that hadn't even been invented yet
Entitlement society: Large corporations who demand public subsidies every time they build a facility, move their headquarters, or threaten to relocate to Botswana or Mississippi. Wait. No. Scratch that.
Environment: Convenient place to dump car batteries and kitchen appliances. While lamestream media insists on its preservation, studies by the business faculty at Liberty University prove that beavers actually like swimming in hydrochloric acid because it improves their skin tone.
Evolution: Fraudulent theory that man evolved from ape. Have you ever seen an ape with jugs like Jessica Simpson's?
Food stamp president: Did we mention that Obama is a Negro? And that he's probably a Muslim?
Founding fathers: Early visionaries who built a start-up country to escape the tyranny of England. Based on the theory that we could more cost-effectively do our own tyranny.
Free market: Utopian world where corporations are allowed to conduct business without interference from price fixing, consumer protection, and child-labor laws
Global warming: Theory shared by 99 percent of the world's scientists that man-made pollution is warming Earth's atmosphere. Easily discredited by pointing to that one day in February when it was pretty cold.
Gotcha journalism: Shameful media practice pioneered by Katie Couric in which she uses duplicitous interview tactics—often called "questions"—to get vice presidential candidates to admit they can't read
Homosexual agenda: Conspiracy co-chaired by Satan and Neil Patrick Harris to persuade America's youth to quit football and pursue careers as botanists and defense lawyers
Illegals: American slang for "Mexican." Also: Anyone skilled in the operation of a leaf blower.
Jesus: Celebrated ancient deity who preached that "the poor should get a damned job already" and that all human suffering could be averted by simply lowering the capital gains tax
Hi from an intermmitant visitor from the "socialist" , government paid abortions, "free" health care(except dental),gay marrriage from Atlantic to Pacific, owner of a public broadcaster that constantantly slams the government(CBC), monarchist land mass to the north. I unfortunately can't block Fox News from my cable up in Canada(so I ignore). I am deeply troubled that our neighbour to the south has an abundance of idiots albeit concentrated mostly in areas I don't visit. I bet the GOP would have a fit if they knew that the mayor of the main city where the offices of our oil rich province, Calgary ,has a muslim mayor(Mayor Nenshi). I do hope you all vote, for it not only affects you in the US, it affects Canada and the rest of the World, Bush was bad enough. I think Romney and gang will be just as bad,
Okay today and for the rest of this week we are going to have to deal with the Republying National Convention . It may be very important to watch this just to see who you shouldn't vote for come election day .. So if you do you are going to have to learn what the hell they are rambling about . This guide will help you with that . . It is something that every true American should read .. Try to enjoy . After all it only has to happen every Four years .
This was funny until I realized that there are actually citizens that sincerely believe this ignorant illogical crap is "reality". x_x
What an embarrassing time to be an American citizen...
This election the American people are going to have to make an important decision that will drastically affect their lives. Are you going to want to vote for Romney and the Republicans who will bring back voodoonomics. Do you want Romney and the Republicans to permanently extend the Bush tax cuts to the rich and give other tax cuts to the rich? Or do you want to do as President Obama wants to do which is to lower the deficit by letting the Bush tax cuts for the rich expire. For those that say the rich need tax breaks to create jobs I like to ask you to prove that tax cuts to the rich creates jobs. It is consumers that create jobs by buying things. The rich have already bought the things that create jobs or already have enough money to buy those things. The rich already have homes, furniture, appliances, household products, clothes, cars and other things that make up the jobs we have. You create jobs by making it possible for more people to be able to buy the things they don’t have but are too poor after paying bills to buy. When people buy things then the rich then get richer because people are buying the things that the rich sell or have investments in. That is how a good economy works. The Depression that the Republicans caused in 2007-2009 caused 9 million people to lose their jobs. That is a lot of people. President Obama has gotten America out of that Depression and is getting America out of this Republican caused Recession. There are two kinds of jobs in America. There is the public sector jobs and the private sector jobs. When President Obama and the Democrats controlled Congress they were creating public sector jobs. When the Republicans took control of the House of Representatives they shut down the public sector jobs. Then in the private sector most companies in America are run by the rich. Most of the rich are Republicans. Most of the large companies in America are now making money yet the Republicans who run those companies won’t help improve our economy by hiring new workers. The Republicans in the private sector and the public sector are purposely destroying America’s economy because they know that the only way they can win the next election is if the economy is bad and then they want to brainwash you into believing that Romney and the Republicans can make it better. But Romney and the Republicans only plan is to extend the tax cuts for the rich and cut other taxes for the rich, unnecessarily increase the military budget to enrich themselves and their buddies, cut or gut as many regulations and environmental laws as possible which will allow the rich to use Wall Street and the banks to rip us off more &ruin our environment more. Then Romney &the Republicans want to make abortions illegal & end Planned Parenthood. Do you women and men want to have to let every women who becomes impregnated to be forced to have the child? Do you want women to go back to the days of backroom abortions?. These are the choices you voters must make.
President of the United States: A Republican with no intelligence, no ideas, no spine and no personality, but with enough working digits to sign whatever medieval legislation they push through if they can take both houses.
@Processed These Christian women talk the virtures of Christianity but when you get them wet and Fuck them in the ass the goyim are shown to be hypocrits.