The ins and outs of college


The liberal arts are “in” these days on campus, and the message from college administrators is clear: A good student is an experimenting student. Take psychology. Try French. Attack logic.

But don’t fight the inevitable: Isn’t biology the subject we’re really interested in? Consider this week’s offering a series of cautionary tales.

Tiffany, 18, Glen Cove, freshman at Hofstra At freshman orientation, the [male] group leaders were all over the girls at the Hofstra USA club, and there were girls in their rooms. I thought it was kind of inappropriate. I heard that on the fourth floor of one dorm they played Truth or Dare and one girl was a lesbian. She said, “Yeah, I fingered myself.” And then she did it in front of everybody.

My sister goes to Boston College and she has, like, hot friends. All of her friends are in love with me. I’m cooler than my sister and better-looking, apparently. But she’s funnier than I am. There’s something about my sister where guys want to be her friend. Guys want to be my friend, too, but guys want to go out with me. At BC, they’re more my style, preppie and the Abercrombie and Fitch kind, but here it’s more trendy. She has my prom picture up and one time one of her friends picked it up and was, like, “Oh shit, who’s this?” But that’s my sister’s domain. They know I am the “little sister.” They know not to cross that line.

Sharif, 20, Bronx, junior at C.W. Post, majoring in public relations Most guys who go to college expect college to be a smorgasbord of women coming on to you. And it’s not like that. They think this because of stuff they’ve heard from their elders. I was with a friend when he met a 20-year-old German female. He told me the next day that she brought two of her friends over and he had a good time—meaning he got his socks rocked. He proceeded to tell me I should have come along. This was two days ago. He’s my buddy. I’ll take his word for it, but it’s an unlikely story.

Julie, 23, East Meadow, junior at C.W. Post, majoring in criminal justice I met a guy during a break at Nassau Community College and dated him for three years of hell. Violence and everything. He was funny when I first met him, good-looking, outgoing. We did nothing when we were attending school. Because of him, I didn’t go to class a lot. We’d sit there in the cafeteria, eating something. It was fun for the first four months, but he was abusive. We’d get into a fight and he couldn’t control his anger. He’d hit me in the face. You just get stuck in a relationship. You get stuck in something, you get scared and don’t leave. People think it’s so easy to leave. At the same time that you regret that it happened, it was good it happened. It made me a stronger person. I wasn’t in school anymore when I left him; I’d started to go to Briarcliffe already. At Nassau, there was a lot of opportunity, but I didn’t have it since I met him right away in the first month of school. And at Nassau people just hang out in cliques. It was like high school. His crowd, boys stick together. If I had to go do it all over again, I’d probably go away to school.

Nina, 19, Coram, junior at Hofstra, majoring in elementary education If you live on campus, never date anyone on campus. Because if the relationship ends, it just makes it awkward if you see him. I was a transfer student and I met a guy who lived in my building on my floor. It lasted a year and four months. We had some of the same schedule. We used to hang out in the Union. You think you guys are going to graduate together. But it doesn’t work out like that. There was this party and I was dating one of his friends and he was dating one of my friends. It made it very awkward showing up at the party. It’s like, “Oh, hi.” We’re still friends because we have mutual friends, but we don’t have conversations like we used to.

Debbie, 18, Westchester, freshman at Adelphi He’s a soccer player and he hooked up with a friend of mine Sunday after orientation. She told me that it lasted 30 seconds. I don’t think she said anything to him. But he told the whole soccer team. A friend made up the name “Two Pump Chump.”

Ed, 24, Great Neck, graduate of Adelphi I had this funny CD called Sounds of Sex, which was techno music with moaning in the background. I put it on at a party I threw, and next thing I knew 30 people are butt-fucking-naked in my dorm room. There was a couple who were having sex in the middle of the room and no one knew—they were sitting on a chair with a little straddling action. All you saw was a little up-and-down motion. I gave a lot of credit to that person the next day. People were touching and feeling each other. It was interesting that night. That was my senior year at Adelphi.

I had a friend who had sex with a girl on the president’s lawn. He also did it with the same girl in the stairwell of the University Center. Which reminds me: We were teching a show in the theater once and decided to take a break. One of the teachers gets up and walks to his office. But to get to where his office was, he had to go through a dimly lit hall. He finds this couple fucking in this little hallway. The kicker was we’d found a random condom in the middle of the theatre, used, expired. No one would fess up. Of course we weren’t going to touch it. But when we found that couple, that explained it. We called the area the funk room. It smelled like funk for days.

In ’96, our fraternity was having a formal, and we had to find a party gift. You know that stupid coupon book that comes in the mail? I see this woman with this neck massager. I told the guys, “How ’bout we get neck massagers for the formal?” So I passed the picture around at a fraternity meeting. The idea was sold. A week later Jim Bob was in the city, buying 30 dildos. We wrote on them, “Get off at Alpha Phi Delta.” We stuck one in our showcase in the University Center the next day. It was up there until we got kicked off campus. Back then, we actually had a goal: to see if we could top our ideas from the day before.

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