Early in this Kindergarten Cop retread, we zoom in on Vin Diesel’s Navy Seal buckling his ammo straps. You know the sequence will be repeated with a BabyBjörn. But hey—if a gag works, gag us with it! Other jokes in this Disney misfire involve Diesel opening juice boxes of whoopass on his five kiddie charges, then teaching ninja moves and Gitmo detention tactics (his Brownie troop hog-ties rival Boy Scouts, shoving cookies in their mouths). Neither charismatic goof Diesel nor Brad Garrett, as a sadistic vice principal, can rescue this unintentional fascist satire. Oh yeah, and the Iraq war is officially normalized: Bratty teen Max Thieriot greets Diesel’s lock-busting kick with “Is that what you’re trained to do, get all ‘shock and awe’ on my door?” Welcome to the infantry, future draftees!
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on March 1, 2005