You probably already know the details: Jay-Z went on Power 105 last week to announce he’d be doing a show at Continental Airlines Arena on October 27, and that the theme to the show would be “I Declare War.” Apparently, Jay is mad at a few people, and he’s going to go at them onstage the way he did at Summer Jam in 2001. He told former Battle Dome announcer and famous goofy dancer Ed Lover: “I gotta put ’em in the choke hold, the Boston Crab. I gotta smash a couple people. Everybody better make up and be my friend.” He’ll do a second show in Philadelphia, and there are plenty of rumors flying around that he’ll have a new record out by the end of the year and maybe a tour as well. Status Ain’t Hood will hopefully be covering the New Jersey show, but in the meantime, everyone is wondering who Jay will attack. Allhiphop Rumors ran a column a few days ago evaluating Jay’s likely targets: Game, Jim Jones, Dame Dash, 50 Cent, etc. But Status Ain’t Hood is here to focus on the lesser targets, the longshots, the guys who Jay might go after just to wake everyone else up. The list:
Young Gunz. We all know Jay isn’t going to dis Memphis Bleek, no matter how many shitty albums he drops. The guy had a verse on Reasonable Doubt, so he’s been around since the beginning of Jay’s career, and Jay even somewhat creepily announced on the “Diamonds” remix that Bleek was in his will. If Jay was going to drop Bleek, he would’ve done it by now. But the Young Gunz? Jay signs these guys to the Roc, releases two albums, sticks with them through legal problems, convinces them not to break up, keeps them around even after the Roc-A-Fella/Dash Music Group split, and the best they can do is Brothers From Another? Is there anyone who thinks that Jay finds this album to be acceptable?
Sage Francis. On this bearded slam-poet dork’s last tour, he broke out Jay’s “99 Problems” instrumental and said some dumb stuff about “I like 99 rappers but Jay-Z ain’t one.” We know Jay listens to backpack-rap because he keeps throwing shout-outs to losers like Talib Kweli and the Roots, so it’s not entirely impossible that Jay would’ve somehow got wind of Sage’s dumbshit disses. And it would be fun to see Jay completely crush Sage under his boot while thousands of people sit around scratching their heads wondering who Jay is talking about.
Kenyon Martin. Jay joined the group of investors who bought the New Jersey Nets, and then K-Mart bolted for the Denver Nuggets the first chance he got, even though Jay wore a Martin Nets jersey in Fade to Black and everything.
The Bravery. These guys have been talking a gang of shit about Jay’s favorite band the Killers. It’s time to put a stop to that.
Suge Knight. Suge is just getting sent to jail and signing Petey Pablo and shooting himself in the leg; he’s right there. It must drive Jay nuts. There must be some part of him that wants to dis Suge just to see what would happen, like when you’re a teenager at a punk show and you just feel this overwhelming urge to slap a skinhead just because.
Little Brother. Jay probably wouldn’t want to do it, but he could completely end indie-rap just by letting everyone know how full of shit Little Brother is. Wouldn’t that be amazing? It would be like Rawkus Records had never existed.
Cassidy. “He made it a hot line. I made it a hot song.”
David Banner. Kanye goes and talks about George Bush on TV and gets the most mainstream recognition he’s ever had, even after the Time cover and everything. Then Banner goes and organizes a giant benefit concert and drives food and supplies down to flooded areas on his damn tour bus. How is Kanye supposed to compete with that?
Animal Collective. Because Animal Collective fucking blows.