Welcome to the Village Voice’s not-really-annual Oscar liveblog! Feel the electricity.
Not sure if you’ve heard, but: This year’s Academy Awards will be UNLIKE ANY YOU’VE EVER SEEN BEFORE! First of all: They’ve hired an architect to design the set. Money well spent. Next: Taking a page from The Michael Steele Guide to Kids These Days, the Academy is ruthlessly targeting the youth demo with Australian Dance Award winner and musical theater showman Hugh Jackman as this year’s host. Jazzy! And lest you think producer Bill Condon (Dreamgirls) is some tap-dancing pussy, he’s actually futzing with the most sacred of sacred Oscar ground: In Memoriam. You know how usually there’s a montage for all the dead film people you’ve mostly never heard of? Well this year, there will be a montage for all the dead film people you’ve mostly never heard of, with live musical accompaniment by Queen Latifah. This is not your mother’s Oscars!
Anyway: It’s all gonna be really unconventional and unpredictable and off the hook and boring and no one’s gonna watch and please Mickey Rourke thank the gap-toothed girl again.
And with that… Let the night of a million slumdogs begin! Because there’s nothing Hollywood loves more than a little foreigner covered in his own shit.
7:57 Oh god just turned on the TV. Hugh Jackman giving Babs Walters a lap dance. Like I said: ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
8:00 Robin Roberts psyched to be skinnier than Kate Winslet.
8:02 Hey Jess Cagel, you’re the new editor of a 10 page magazine!
8:03 Fashion salutes you? Tim Gunn what happened to you?
8:04 Sarah Jessica Parker what happened to you?
8:06 Tim Gunn kisses the Brangelina ring. It’s unseemly. (I promise to be more positive soon.)
8:10 The slumdog kids! They made it!
8:12 “We’re going to be thinking of Loki tonight.”
8:13 Robert Downey Jr looks great. Nothing mean to say.
8:15 “Angelina’s like my favorite person in all history.” I don’t care what the Jonas boys say. Miley Cyrus is smart.
8:20 It is actually amazing (in a bad way) that the editor of a magazine that purports to cover the film industry is indistinguishable from Billy Bush. (This is now the Entertainment Weekly Memorial Liveblog.)
8:25 Seth Rogen eat something (and why is the bar at the Oscars empty? Jews don’t drink.)
8:27 It’s not a good sign when you have to explain/sell the show 3 minutes before the show.
8:31 I am going to go out on a limb and say… I like the set.
I JUST REALIZED THIS IS THE FIRST OSCARS OF THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION.
8:39 Okay. That song? Pretty good! Even gets a standing o. (This is your mother’s Oscars, and I, apparently, am your mother.)
8:43 Five presenters and Whoopie’s dress just to present best supporting actress?
8:44 Penelope, you might not speak English but you are still pretty enough to hang out with us.
8:47 Yes, this is EXACTLY what the Oscars needed! More bloviating, fewer movie clips. (Also, does any one else feel like the Scientologists are running the show? Show is creepy so far.)
Commercial break. Good time for me to note that the Voice actually has TWO liveblogs going tonight, and probably 84 podcasts. We, like the Oscars, are cutting edge.
8:57 Dustin Lance Black looks as young as an Obama cabinet member. hahahhahhaha obama humor!
9:01 And the Slumdog sweep begins! Have you seen this movie? It is terrible.
9:03 OOOh Jennifer Aniston. Cut to Brad. Cut to Brad! CUT TO BRAD!!!
9:04 Just as I was posting that, they cut to Brad. (Liveblogging is very complicated. You wouldn’t understand.)
9:10 The Styx have made it.
9:16 I am having second thoughts about the set. ABCHD is screwing up so now I’m watching on regular ABC and it looks baaaad. Dark and dingy and why are they presenting art direction from the basement?
9:25 Have you noticed the trophy boys? Also, the girl from Big Love is presenting an Oscar? This doesn’t seem right.
9:27 2008 Romance montage = MTV Movie Awards. Best Kiss? (Guess nominating a bunch of movies no one has seen means that you have to string together scenes from Apatow movies set to Coldplay. Problem solved!)
Commercial break. If you are wondering where I’ve been, well, I’ve been right here. I just don’t have anything to say about Ben Stiller doing Joaquin Phoenix doing AND WE’RE BACK! Jessica Biel talking about Thomas Edison. I’m home.
9:39 Jessica Biel wants to DO Mr. Catmo. (Cat-mo? Katmo?)
9:48 Holocaust movie wins again. Blah blah blah. But I admire the winner’s honesty: Death of 6 million will help my career. “I’d like to thank my mom, my agent, and Adolf.”
9:53 Oh jesus. Beyonce. Must you have your hand in EVERYTHING?
9:54 This would have at least made sense a few years ago when musicals actually were back.
9:56 This is like crazy wack Sweeney Sisters incomprehensible Vanessa Hudgens song from the inaugural ball what is going on???
9:58 Let me see if I understand this: No musicals are nominated, but the musical is back? Is this because of High School Musical?
10:03 Philip Seymour Hoffman you are wonderful but it was only okay to wear that yarmulke at the Spirit Awards. Have some respect, man.
10:06 Michael Shannon is Christopher Walken’s love child.
10:08 Heath Ledger’s parents: “I’d just like to thank this community that sucked our son into drugs and killed him. It was worth it for this dress.”
10:10 No time limit on the Ledgers.
10:13 Related aside: Did anyone watch Bill Maher on Friday night? Tina Brown, commenting on The Great Depression 2, said, “Americans are just going to have to learn to fly coach again.”
10:16 Philip Petit wearing a brown leather suit! Fuck musicals. The brown leather suit is back!
Commercial break. JCPenney advertising during the Oscars. Times really are tough.
10:23 “This is the cool stuff,” Hughie J says of action movies after donning a top hat and soft shoeing with Zak Efron.
10:26 The underlying theme of this entire show is that movies are great, just not the movies we nominated.
Sorry I blacked out. Who won What? Gotta go pee.
10:47 I realize you were promised an Oscar blog, not a media blog, but these commercials are so low-budget. WE ARE IN AN ECONOMIC DISASTER. why are we even watching the Oscars? We are all going to lose our jobs. We are all going to lose our homes. Oh! That show Castle looks kinda good.
10:53 Zac Efron again. Slumdog Millionaire again. Maybe Danny B will make an American version of Slumdog because he should love America don’t you think? And maybe it will star Zac and Vanessa. This is a good plan.
10:56 Best song wrap-up: Bruce Springsteen robbed, Slumdog is sooooo exotic and this song sucks, Peter Gabriel is adorable with his whole protest thingy. Will backup choirs ever go out of style?
11:01 We are all Indian now.
Here at Hyundai we think it’s easier to find a job when you have a car. IS ANYONE ELSE WATCHING THE COMMERCIALS???
11:07 Departures wins best foreign. This is a HUGE upset. Trust me. It is. UPSET. (Plus I was really looking forward to hearing Ari Folman say something about Gaza.) Domo arigato Mister Roboto. Big night for Japan.
11:12 End with Paul Newman or Heath? Place your bets.
11:13 Someone forgot to turn off the Auto Tune? (Or remembered to leave it on.)
11:15 Wait, what? I guess they covered Heath at last year’s Oscars. Take back your bets.
11:19 Reese Witherspoon’s horrible dress has reminded me that I probably should have been commenting on fashion for the past three hours. Oops.
11:20 Danny Boyle for that movie. Sorry Gus Van Sant. You made a really conventional biopic and figured you’d win, but then Boyle came along and made the slums look all sparkly. How could you have known?
11:26 It’s Obama’s economic advisory panel!
11:29 Halle Berry to Melissa Leo: “I did this first, and don’t you forget it old white lady.”
11:30 Sophia Loren. Oy. It’s like Cindy McCain’s grandmother went to John Boehner’s tanning salon.
11:34 Kate Winslet wins best actress for The Reader. Like Hugh Jackman, I didn’t see it.
11:40 Anthony Hopkins does not look well.
11:43 Mickey Rourke is going on a bender tonight.
11:46 Moved by Sean Penn. Gay rights. Elegant president. Mickey Rourke rises again and he’s my brother.
11:50 Let’s celebrate how the nominated movies are just like older movies! Milk is like Braveheart?
11:52 SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE WINS IT ALL!!!! SLUMS ARE BACK!!
11:54 Slumdog producer: “I’m so happy that these little dark kids whose names I can’t remember could be here.”
Prediction: X-Men Origins Wolverine clip.
OOOOOkay that was fun. And apparently Larry David is staring in an upcoming movie. Thanks for spending your Oscar night here. See you at Night at the Museum 2. Oh, and congratulations Mumbai. Things are looking up.