Who’s your daddy? And didn’t he just come home with a shopping bag full of blind gossip items so he can watch you oink around the place in guilty delight? Does he ever fail you with these carefully constructed queries in which the names have been removed in order to add a soupçon of interactive joy and a smidge of delicious torture? Who can’t think of any more of an intro right now, so he’s gonna just gleefully jump into all the anonymous innuendos and shit? Ready?
Which supposedly cleaned-up star was spotted at a hot West Village restaurant, going to the bathroom about every five minutes to take care of business? Anyone buying the weak bladder excuse? Which once-hot pop star can barely sing a note and needs mucho enhancement in the studio, getting help from a songwriter who’s also vocally stepped in for that working-class rock band? Similarly, which famous young lady actually does the singing for her more famous sister? Which quirky director who gives the wife a lot of work must be doing so in exchange for some heavy bearding? (He’s rumored to be one of them there closet cases.) Which still-closety ’70s superstar gets regular mansion visits from a local gay promoter?
Which TV starlet has freaked out from her (mid-level) success and doesn’t want people on the street to even look in when she’s doing a photo shoot in an establishment? Wouldn’t she freak out even more if they didn’t look in? Which married actor is wildly flamboyant among friends and business associates, but when he sits down with an interviewer or goes out in public, he suddenly reins in the swishing and tries to pass for straight? Who’s buying it? Which French actor, who’s now part of a franchise, is known for having a “dick of fire”? (I.e., he can’t seem to stick it in enough orifices—all of them les girls’, alas).
Which trannie, poignantly enough, got a cut-rate sex change and can’t feel much of anything down there? Which belter is such a drinker that she had to be pushed onstage for her entrance at that concert, after which she started singing eight bars early, thereby throwing off the whole number (and, in fact, the whole show)? Which male Tony nominee for musicals is such an egomaniac that people dread sitting at his end of the table? Which old-time crooner only does interviews via e-mail, so his people can provide canned answers that are often verbatim repeats of what they fed other publications? Which Brazilian hustler keeps his cash in his mattress rather than report it to the authorities? (Not that I know any Brazilian hustlers, mind you. I got this from a friend of a friend.)
Which comeback chanteuse lost her lower register due to all those times she took injections to get over health problems and/or exhaustion? What diva’s light-skinned son strangely has trouble getting it up? Which semi-star was supposedly busted for posting anonymous threads about how she was better in that hit show than the woman who replaced her? Is it any wonder the semi-star was caught screaming, “Noooo!” when her replacement won the big award? Which erudite actor who’s currently on the boards was seen—by me—wiping his nose as he left the bathroom at Hiro? (Well, he had the next day off.) Anyone buying the weak sinus excuse? Which well-chosen wife of a major star is so dumb she didn’t know that a drag performance she’d just seen was indeed a collection of males in dresses? Does that explain why she married that husband?
Which American author’s birthplace studiously omits his homosexuality from all materials and resents any attempt to get it mentioned? Which author’s birthplace doesn’t? Which director supposedly got married to deflect accusations (baseless, I’m sure) that he was sleeping with his young discovery? Which husband of that too-thin personality is a cheater (and a beater, too, if you believe the horrid murmurs)? Which hubby didn’t want to pose for photos with the wife at her book party because, as he mouthed to her, “It’s your book”? (Free answer: Dean McDermott.) Which surprise Broadway star is a shameless womanizer who tried to get a young lady who was auditioning for a part in his show to come over and rehearse in private? When she couldn’t find the time to do so, how did he respond to her later request for tickets? (Angrily, I assure you.) Which talented blonde stage star picks her nose as if burrowing for gold and is fond of saying about job offers, “They can’t afford me”? Who turned down the illustrious chance to replace her? (Free answers: Ashley Tisdale, Hilary Duff, and Brittany Snow, for starters. I guess they couldn’t afford them.)
Which screen legend would seem to be a great icon to get to know, but at least one person who has done so reports, “Not so! She’s boring and needy!”? What biggie didn’t talk to a stage co-star who happened to have gotten even better reviews than she did? Who wrote that movie by dredging up her perspective on her sister and other family situations, but told the press it was totally original? Which Oscar winner hides her head in her hand whenever she sees me, even though we’re fellow rabid liberals? Which teen idol could the character named “Zack” in Dance Flick—you know, the one who sings the song about being a big gay—possibly be based on? Which legendary restaurant that was priced out of business is reopening in a boutique hotel—this time, with a big stage, rather than have performances on the counter? (Free answer: Florent.) Which Post gossip diva has written a Broadway show that I hear the Weislers will bring to a really big stage?
And now, kindly hold your noses and prance down memory lane with me for these far more vintage items: Which scriptwriter of two classic musicals once managed to solicit a blowjob out of a young lady auditioning for a revival, never realizing she was a chick with a dick (not to mention a very good friend of mine)? Which actor who once worked in a trannie bar slept with at least one of the gals? (Again, I’m connected.) Which multi-octave superstar started out so rough and untrained that she wouldn’t bother to bathe and, at dinners, would turn to the person next to her and demand things like, “Cut my meat”? (And no, this has nothing to do with the discount sex-change item above.)
Which superstar couple’s run supposedly ended when she gave him the gift of herpes? What kinds of kinky activities were the male half of that duo into? (Free answer: fisting, to name just one earthly delight. Yes, hetero fisting! I’m not making this shit up!) What always-acclaimed actress’s marriage has lasted so long partly because the non-bizzy husband turns a blind eye whenever she beds her male co-stars? Which legend’s first album was a hit by mistake? (On a budget, they accidentally sped up the music, which made it all the more danceable).
Which ethnic multi-talent had a breakdown when her then-boyfriend was arrested? (In fact, she threw herself on the prison floor and started foaming at the mouth—a far better performance than anything she’s achieved on celluloid.) Which star of that cable phenomenon didn’t thank her husband at the Emmys because he was fucking his female co-star on Broadway around that time? Which lesbian singer did it with a man—once, from what I can tell—and he reports that she just laid there, practically comatose? I mean, can you blame her?