It’s the hottest of hot news — Sarah Palin’s book Going Rogue: An American Life and the accompanying tour. There’ve been some teasers, but our contacts in the publishing industry have leaked us six choice excerpts, which we reproduce for you here:
1. On accepting the Vice-Presidential nomination:
I was sitting next to the stove, patching up little Gopher’s North Face jacket, when I got the call, and I figured, gosh-a-mighty, why not? Well, they scoot me down to Dayton — and let me tell you, that place could use a new coat of paint — and they tell me I have to talk to this crowd, but I say, “Oh, no — there’ll be big-town reporters there, and they’ll twist and turn my words so I look like an idjit,” but ol’ John, he says, don’t worry, they’re gonna love you, and then he goes into a room in the back of the place they have there and starts beating on the walls and yelling in a foreign language. So I went out there and sure enough, people were cheering and waving flags like I was Clay Aiken, even before I said a word. They kept on cheering when I commenced to speak, but I don’t know what-all I said, because I kept looking over and seeing ol’ John picking at his hands, probably to soothe the cuts he got on his knuckles pounding on that wall.
2. On her business career:
If I wasn’t so gosh-darned busy raising all my kids, I would have paid better attention to all that entrepreneural jazz. But you mothers know how that goes: you buy a car wash, and then little Plug has a loose tooth and little Geezer lost his mittens and before you know it, guess what — the darned cars aren’t getting washed, and you have to sell the thing off for a profit! And there was Todd so busy building our house out of sticks he found while he was snowmobiling, I couldn’t go off playing with businesses. So I said, “Doggone-it, I’m gonna stay right here, mend socks, wipe noses, and such like.” But then one day I was clipping coupons for Sunny D and I saw the ad in the paper that said they were looking for a new Mayor for Wasilla, and I guess I just got a wild hair in me.
3. On debating Joe Biden:
Well, I get out there and ol’ Joe is grinning to beat the band, so I say, kind of playful like, “You mind if I call you Joe?” and he says “Sure,” loud, so the microphones could pick it up, but under his breath and without moving his lips, like a ventriloquist, he says, “You stupid bleep-bleeping hillbilly bleep, I’m gonna bleep your bleeping bleep till it bleeds,” and then he goes over to his podium like nothing happened. Well, I’ve been to Juneau and a county fair, but I never heard anything like that. So I think it threw me and gave me that twitch in my eye which the liberal media had a field day with.
4. On David Letterman:
We get to bed early in Alaska, as we have to be up before dawn to catch and skin moose, so I never saw his show. But when we heard those awful things he said about Willow, I looked up some pictures of him, and sure enough, he was the spitting image of that gap-toothed man I saw years ago when I was shopping with Willow at Out of the Closet, who offered her a Mars Bar and then reached down and rubbed her little butt. I still remember how he ran and jumped into a helicopter while I screamed and several good citizens came at him with sticks. Also, a friend played me the theme music from the show and I would swear to you it was the same music that helicopter was playing as it flew away. Folks, this is the kind of thing we’re up against!
5. On Bristol’s pregnancy:
When she told me, I said she had to get married, of course, but I wanted to know about the young fella, and she kept stammering and mumbling so bad, I figured I’d wait till she could show him to me. Well, he came over a couple of hours after he was supposed to, and brought his mother, who stayed out in the yard rubbing her teeth. He was trying to be nice, I guess, but he kept shaking his glass like he wanted a refill, and saying he was going to the bathroom when we all saw him sneaking out the back door to join his mom in the shed for who-knows what-all. And he kept referring to the child he and Bristol were expecting as “the little bastard, pardon my French,” and when we asked how he expected to support his family, he just looked around our living room, held out his arms, and laughed. Call me crazy, but I thought we could turn him around once we got him to one of Bishop Muthee’s services.
6. On election night:
I never heard so many bleepity-bleeps and blankety-blanks as I heard while I was waiting to go out on that stage in Phoenix. It was like I was at a dad-gum fancy-house in Fairbanks instead of a Republican Party event, and I tried to ask ol’ John about it, but he was shaking his wife by the shoulders and talking in Vietnamese again, so I couldn’t get any relief from him, and his minders were all poking at my family with sticks like they were bears and telling them things like, “Get back in your trailer, you stupid snowbillies.” Finally it comes time to go out there and tell the people we lost, and some fella comes up and gives ol’ John an injection, and in a couple of seconds he loosens his grip on poor Cindy and goes out on stage with me. It must have been something powerful they shot him up with, but he still looked so mad that I had to keep rubbing my fingers to keep from freaking out.
That’s when I decided: I am going to quit my job, go out there among the people, and turn this Party right the heck around!