Hold onto your library cards, peeps. Will Manley has released the results of the librarian sex survey that Wilson Library Bulletin refused to run in 1992 — the one which he got fired over. The results are… less than scintillating. Best tidbit: 32 percent of librarians have had hot tub sex! (How 1992 of them.)
We don’t know if it’s the dated nature of the poll (18 years is a long time to wait for anything, and maybe we get our thrills a little differently these days) or the subject matter (although sexy librarian is a thing, right?) but we feel this information would be a lot more exciting if written about, say, in a James Patterson book and then read aloud at Rikers. Or maybe frosted onto a penis cake.
But far be it from us to let our wild proclivities stain some good honest fun for everyone. Please, judge for yourselves. A few highlights:
Question 8 – Sex Without Love
20 percent of the respondents felt that sex without love is by definition bad sex.
Question 10 – Nuclear War and PeeWee Herman
38 percent of the female respondents indicated that if there were a nuclear war and PeeWee Herman was the only man on earth to survive, they would have sex with him in order to propagate the species.
Question 13 – Shakespeare and “the 1st Time”
When asked to pick the Shakespearean title that best described their first sexual encounter, 28 percent chose Comedy of Errors; 23 percent chose Midsummer’s Night Dream; 22 percent chose Much Ado About Nothing; 21 percent chose All’s Well That Ends Well; and 6 percent chose Rape of Lucrece.
Question 17 – Marriage and Celebrities — Men
Given a list of 12 celebrities, 27 percent of the males preferred to marry Kathleen Turner; 25 percent Jane Fonda; 14 percent Dolly Parton; 13 percent Diane Keaton, 8 percent Diane Sawyer; 6 percent Madonna; 4 percent Prince; 2 percent Elton John; and 1 percent split [sadly, four-way not intended] between Marla Maples, Yoko Ono, Diana Ross, and Tina Turner.
And, perhaps most revealingly:
Question 24 – Librarians and Sex Books
91 percent had read The Joy of Sex; 29 percent had read How to Make Love to a Man; 14 percent had read Human Sexual Inadequacy; and 3 percent had read Macho Sluts.
Dewey Decimal that.