The first act of The BP Oil
Spill Disaster (or “Coast of Dystopia”) concluded with shifting blame, dying turtles, and a big metal dome that was supposed to stop the oil from going anywhere else. Well, that didn’t work. So what happens now? In the words of actor Martin Lawrence’s classic turn as Sheneneh: HAY, GIRL.
Because for some reason these words always get people to watch videos, PREVIOUSLY, ON LOST:
[Monday afternoon. The gulf coast. Enter the players, stage front]
Reporter: So how’s that whole Giant Metal Dome plan thing going? Total fail, right?
BP Representative: Slow your roll! It’s not that it failed, it’s just that it “didn’t work.”
Reporter: So, it failed.
BP Representative: Uh….
Reporter: One man’s failure is another man’s learning on the oil spill disaster?
Tony Hayward, Chief BP Executive: Exactly. There’s a lot of “real time learning going on.”
Greek Chorus of Gulf Coast Residents: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
BP Representative: Listen, we’ve got an “armada of ships” skimming oil. Do you have an armada of ships skimming oil?
[Ollie the Oyster – who is essential to the Gulf Coast ecosystem – looks behind him to see his entire family, including the baby oysters, dead.]
Ollie the Oyster: Do you have any idea what thBLAGHHHGHKLBBFBDBDJKDBDJGHHHHHHHH.
Greek Chorus of Gulf Coast Residents: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO STOP THIS RIGHT NOW?
BP Representative: Well, do you have any ideas? Because if you do….
Darryl Carpenter, V.P. of Florida-based Road Contractor C.W. Roberts: Actually, yeah. “I called one of my subcontractors and had him test it out by pouring some oil into some water and then tossing some hay in there. He called me back a little while later and said, ‘It works. It got every bit of the oil out of the water.’ ” Here, we’ve even got video:
BP Representative: Listen, buddy. HAY is for HORSES. Whatever. We’ll pencil you in for Wednesday, by which time, 20,000 more gallons of oil will have leaked into the gulf.
Greek Chorus of Gulf Coast Residents: ASSHOLES! DO YOU SERIOUSLY HAVE ANY BETTER IDEAS?
BP Representative: Actually, yeah. It’s an intensely risky strategy called “junk shot,” in which we plug the leak with golf balls, tires, and various pieces of debris that we throw into the ocean. This is gonna be rad. “Don’t worry, it gets cool in a minute.”