News & Politics

Ass-Crack Cocaine: Drug is Hidden Dirty Plague on Society


The crack epidemic and widespread use of the cripplingly addictive drug is still a very real danger to pretty much everyone, and our government continues to attempt to fight it, a battle that’s never not been uphill. One has to wonder, though, how much of an effect the vertiable punchline that is the idea of a crack user being so patently derelict and uncool — i.e. “crackheads” — has had on crack usage. If there’s anything to that theory, then this will help:

Via Daily Intel, some guy told cops that the crack cocaine they found stashed up his ass wasn’t his, but admitted that, yes, the weed they found stashed up his ass was.

“Let me get it, hold on” [the perpetrator] said, and proceeded to place a “clear plastic baggie with a green leafy substance” on the car’s hood. It was 4.5 ounces of marijuana — though probably any situation in which a cop is groping around your butt crack would probably make you “tense up.” Roberts conceded that the weed was his, but the search didn’t end there: But, as the deputy reported, “I then searched his shorts again and felt another object that was in the crack of his buttocks. I pulled the object out from the exterior of his shorts and a clear plastic baggie with a white rock substance fell to the ground.” This plastic bag, a test would later determine, contained 27 pieces of crack cocaine. Roberts was quick to clarify the ownership situation. “The white stuff is not mine,” he said. “But the weed is.”

Not that we’re not supposed to presume anyone guilty until proven so in this country, but seriously, only a crackhead would not laugh at the idea that people are stashing things up someone’s ass unbeknown to said ass-stashee, who is clearly familiar with the deeper crevices of his or her own rectum. This is exactly the kind of stigma we need out in the open regarding crack.

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