By now you’ve heard All Day, the fifth full length LP from Pittsburg’s Greg Gillis—or, as he’s known on chaotic, fan-filled stages around the world, Girl Talk. The record was released to minimal fanfare, at the low price of free, early Monday morning. There is a wealth of good criticism out there about this guy, from the adulatory to the extremely, mercilessly skeptical. We must confess here that we tend toward the latter, though we tried (“Flava In Ya Ear” mixed with “Liquid Swords”!), honest. It was just too grating. Doubt us? Follow along below, as we count down the ten worst mashed-together moments on a record whose entire premise we are, frankly, coming to doubt:
10. Ramones, “Blitzkrieg Bop”/ Missy Elliott, “Get Ur Freak On” [“Oh No,” 4:56]
Fair or unfair, our biggest Girl Talk pet peeve: the jock jamming of rap songs that are already plenty lively. Equivalent, in its own way, to the internet’s bad habit of decoding and translating hip-hop lyrics into the Queen’s English for laughs. Hip-hop is plenty funny/loud/jock jamming (not to mention intelligible) on its own, contrary to whatever Jay-Z’s ghostwriter presently believes. (See also: White Zombie, “Thunderkiss ’65″/ Ying Yang Twins, “Wild Out” [“On and On,” 2:44]. Just stop yelling at me, OK?)
9. Van Halen, “Eruption”/ The Isley Brothers, “Shout”/ Donnis, “Pop Them Thangs”/ Radiohead, “Idioteque” [“Make Me Wanna,” 4:43]
Rest assured this sounds every bit as organic and non-seizure-inducing as it reads on paper.
8. Bananarama, “Cruel Summer”/ Diddy-Dirty Money, “Hello Good Morning (Remix)” [“This Is the Remix,” 0:09]
Points deducted for these two songs already basically being the same song.
7. Derek and the Dominos, “Layla”/ B.o.B., “Haterz Everywhere” [“Down for the Count,” 0:31]
B.o.B. shows up three times here—fitting, given how much his rap-rock schizophrenia resembles Girl Talk—but this, specifically, is the worst fuckin’ remake of Goodfellas imaginable.
6. M.O.P., “Ante Up”/ Miley Cyrus, “Party in the U.S.A.” [“That’s Right,” 4:03]
Patent critic bait, sure, but who cares. Leave M.O.P. alone.
5. Usher ft. Nicki Minaj, “Lil Freak”/ Blue Oyster Cult, “Don’t Fear the Reaper” [“Steady Shock,” 0:00]
Substantially a worse look for Nicki than “Massive Attack.” If all the people during the opening credits of The Stand weren’t already dead, this would’ve done it.
4. Skee-Lo, “I Wish”/ Talking Heads, “Take Me to the River” [“Jump on Stage,” 1:33]
Let’s turn this one over to Da Capo Best Music Writing 2009‘s Nick Sylvester and David Marx:
As the Ultimate Fan, Girl Talk exists as a mover not of music but nostalgia. He is the guy at the party who says, “Remember slap bracelets?” Dude: How about devil sticks? Although there are things to hate about the whole “mass nostalgia” angle, who can gainsay the fact that the first major role of our new internet-based culture is to dig back in the near past and scream, “Yo, you remember this shit?” — whether it’s 1970s toy commercials on YouTube or Super Mario Bros. mycology sets on BoingBoing or funny Russian Speed Racer overdubs on Some Awful Thing.
Seriously, remember Skee-Lo though?
3. Jay-Z “Dirt Off Your Shoulder”/ Modern English, “I Melt With You” [“Every Day,” 1:22]
The paperback version of Decoded will most likely include a few death threats.
2. Toadies, “Possum Kingdom”/ B.o.B featuring Bruno Mars, “Nothin’ on You” [“This Is the Remix,” 2:16]
First time as tragedy, second time as farce.
1. Lil Wayne, “A Milli”/Joe Jackson, “Steppin’ Out” [“Triple Double,” 1:33]
Lil Wayne has announced that he’d like to go back to jail.