Calvin Klein, Go Back In The Closet!


Calvin, darling, you’re embarrassing yourself.

What’s worse, you’re embarrassing the whole community.

You were never really that much of a gay hero in the first place.

Remember when you suddenly had a wife because, as AIDS made it uncool to be gay, you took the wussy way out and closeted yourself so you could sell more T shirts and perfume?

That was a hideous approach and I screamed my lungs out about it–but it was better than now!

Now you’ve hooked up with that almost-21-year-old ex-porn star, Nick Gruber, and you’re fawning over him as if this were real love and not a massive late-life crisis being acted out for the horrified masses.

It’s not going to work!

I’ve had some (mid-to-late) 20-somethings myself, but:

(A) They threw themselves on me, I never made advances and certainly never gave them a cent or even a drink ticket;

(B) I never convinced myself it was a healthy relationship for the ages, just a kind of wild lark;

(C) I never flaunted the whole thing so flagrantly by inviting people to the kid’s 21st birthday party like you just did!

Calvin, you went from deeply closeted to being more open about your shame-based antics, and I don’t know what’s worse.

Get a grip on yourself, girl, and nail some dignity to the floor before this kid steals it all away from you.