Earlier today, I received the following URGENT text message: “What are you wearing for judgment day? I don’t want to overdress.” This is an important point! One should always dress for success, for the job they want, not the job that wants them, or the god they want, not the god that wants them, as the case may be. After all, whether you’re a chosen person or a sinner who will remain on the planet as chaos and hellfire and brimstone commence, you’ll want to be wearing something light and flexible, made of fabric that breathes. (Leather pants are a no-no, as is nudity, as is an ironic Rapture joke tee, which no one will think is funny.) After the jump, we share our end times fashion knowledge in the hopes (prayers?) that this will get us in good with the guy/gal upstairs, you know, beforehand. What to wear is just as important as figuring out which atheist is going to take care of your dog, you know. For dog clothes, you’re on your own.
- Do wear: A look of self-righteousness with a dash of that “something sort of smells” expression you’re so good at. Alternately, a look of abject horror. Or “drunkface.”
- Do wear: Layers! Will it be hot? Will it be cold? Who the hell knows. Throw on a tank top, a long-sleever, and top it off with a comfy cardy. What’s good for camping is good for judgment day.
- That said, bug spray, wicking fabrics, SPF, and a raincoat are not to be scoffed at. Nor is a hip flask, with the appropriate liquid contents. Adult diapers are to be scoffed at, but you may want them anyway.
- Do wear: Long pants or jeans — better for tick prevention, better for ascending — but not the skinny kind; choose some with a little give and take. Or a pair of sweats with the word “JUICY” inscribed on the backside.
- Do: Stash an extra pair of natural-fiber socks in your “Judgment Day Go-Bag.” Polyester is for sinners.
- Do wear: Hiking boots. Or super pointy cowboy boots, as recently popularized in Mexico. Or whatever you can shove on as you’re whisked off into the hither and yon. Tory Burch ballet flats? Those bastard sneakers with the high heel you wore in college for some reason? Vibram Five Finger running shoes? Why not! The only thing that can happen is denial from heaven.
- Do: A hat is always nice — think Princess Beatrice! — and will shield you from “blood and rain,” unless you’d like your scalp to be touched by Jesus, or maybe to get a little sun on that noggin after all that rain, in which case, shave it all off and go bare, baby!
- Do, with a caveat: If you must wear sunglasses, make sure they’re not the color-blocky ’80s kind currently appreciated by retro throwbacks and hipster wannabes. You can go straight to hell for that kind of shit.
- Do, do, do wear: Deodorant. And maybe perfume, if you’re fancy.
- Don’t: No “Rapture-Wear” status items and branded accoutrement. That cross necklace will not speak for you in the hereafter, unless you pay extra and get some diamonds on it too.
- Do: If you’re pretty certain that you’re not chosen but think you know someone who is, go ahead and dress like them! There’s nothing in the 10 Commandments about that…is there?
Alternately, you could listen to Yahoo Answers and clothe yourself in peanut butter.
Thanks to eHow’s “How to Dress for Camping,” “The Rapture: What to Wear,” “Basenotes: What to Wear for the Rapture,” and all of the Vogue magazines we’ve ever read and here ignored for all of their helpful tips.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on May 17, 2011