On Thursdays, Scientologists race to turn in their weekly stats, and we like to do the same, looking at how the church has fared around the world.
This week, before we get to a couple of press items, we’re going to start with something special.
One of our tipsters sent us something that we always get a kick out of — a vision of the future written in the past.
In this case, Scientology’s Advance! magazine envisioned what the year 2010 would be like, from back in those heady days of 1969, when Scientology was in its heyday, considered cool by some, and, as we’ve pointed out before, could maybe even get you laid.
Here’s that page from Advance!, and below we’ll print the transcript…
Space Org Success on Another Planet: Year 2010
What has it been like since Dianetics and Scientology were introduced to our planet? It’s been fantastic!
There’s been a lot of groovy changes. For example, we found that the smog in our capital city, Cazon, all cleared up after we cleared 35% of the city’s population. And, you know the desert on Salmar our climatologists hadn’t been able to explain — suddenly began to have regular rainfall and has since become an exceedingly remunerative inter-galactic resort.
In fact, since we promoted Monar Sal, OT VIII, to the head of the Global Weather Bureau the weather has been a damn sight better and we’ve had no more wshed out baseball games or rocket car races.
The medical authorities eagerly cooperated with Dianetics right from beginning. And with the impact of Dianetics the medicos made real advances in their own field. Why it’s routine now if a guy gets his body too badly smashed up and it can’t be saved that our medicos fly in a new body unit to him and then run out the engram.
Of course, the frequency of such accidents is almost zero now.
I remember how it used to be before that day when the blue and gold space ships of the Space Org wafted down fluttering huge banners which said (in our own language, mind you) BEINGS OF MOTHAR, GOOD NEWS, SCIENTOLOGY IS HERE, TOTAL FREEDOM AWAITS YOU.
To say the least, though we were surprised, the Central Office was flooded the next day with countless thousands of requests to find out about Scientology.
I was one of the many who did so. The day afterwards I bought a book in our language called DIANETICS THE MODERN SCIENCE OF MENTAL HEALTH by L. Ron Hubbard.
Within a week I was on the HSDC and soon I was proud to become at AO Mothar, Scientology Clear No. 10. Quickly most of the planet’s population followed suit.
There were, of course, a few die-hards — who claimed man couldn’t be helped, that all life was basically composed of star dust and that man’s destiny was directed mysteriously by rays of star light. Their “therapy” was to knock someone out so he could “see stars.” How spooked can someone get? Anyway, we sent these pathetic few to a secluded island where they could get special attention, rest and quiet. Eventually, even they realized there was hope and through Dianetics were completely rehabilitated and became useful beings.
Before the famous blue and gold brought Scientology to us, our planet was deadlocked in deadly interplanetary warfare with Cornawal and it was a flip of a coin chance for survival.
Fortunately for all concerned, the Space Org with its typical efficiency also arrived on Cornawal at the same time they visited here. I say “fortunately” as we were just about to blast each other out of orbit.
Besides war, there were all the other usual pre-Scientology unsolved conditions. For example, despite our latest spaceships and matter transformers, inexplicable sickness was rife and the suicide rate was hitting an alarming high. The drug traffic from the Third Sector was just about wiping out the sane ambition of half the younger generation. Frankly, we’d about had it and I wouldn’t have given you two mombs for planetary insurance for Mothar.
Dianetics and Scientology changed all that.
Life is now harmonious, productive and fun. We’ve looked outward to bigger and bigger games.
As for myself, I’m now wearing the blue and gold Space Org uniform and I’ll be gonig soon on my fifth mission to bring Scientology and Ron’s bridge to Total Freedom to the lucky beings of yet another galaxy.
I’m not sure what a “momb” is, but I am pretty excited about the Space Org showing up in the lower atmosphere to proclaim, GOOD NEWS, SCIENTOLOGY IS HERE, TOTAL FREEDOM AWAITS YOU. That just seems like an image begging for some Photoshopping. Sponge?
Thursday’s Stats: Upstat or Downstat? Having just seen the humorless robots shuffling between buildings in Clearwater, it’s almost hard to believe that at one point, Scientology had this kind of far-out-space-hippie tang to it. No wonder the oldtimers are dropping out while complaining that things are no longer any fun. Just bringing back up this vision of the Space Org future points out what a flat bummer David Miscavige’s church is, so I’m feeling a contact downstat here.
Story #2: Bunker Mentality
Portland radio host Jesse Singer really scored when he had on Mark Bunker and Jefferson Hawkins for two hours this past weekend [Hour One, Hour Two], discussing all sorts of things happening in the world of Scientology right now.
I could listen to Hawkins and Bunker all day. These are not only two of the more knowledgeable Scientology watchers out there, but each bring a calm and intelligent clarity to the way they make the complexities of the church graspable.
I talked with Bunker after the show to ask him how the documentary is going. He says he’s still trying to track down a few important final interviews before he can think about completing his project. If Bunker is trying to get you, give him a call! We all want to see this movie!
Thursday’s Stats: Upstat or Downstat? We certainly wish people like Jefferson Hawkins and Mark Bunker got more airtime. And we appreciated the shout-out this blog got from the host, Singer. A downstat for the church that deserved to be heard by a wider audience.
Story #3: Auditors in Bow Ties
This is positively spooky. We’ve mentioned before that Louis Farrakhan for some reason fell in love with the whitest man who ever lived, L. Ron Hubbard, some six years ago or so, and has been promoting him to his Nation of Islam followers in a big way.
And now the researchers over at WhyWeProtest.net have noticed that NOI’s in-house publication, The Final Call, reports that 1,000 members of the Nation of Islam have been certified as Dianetics auditors.
Thursday’s Stats: Upstat or Downstat? We know that Miscavige’s ever-shrinking church is desperate for new bodies. But we can’t help thinking that at some point Scientology is going to deeply regret hooking up with Farrakhan’s nutters.
Tony Ortega has been the editor in chief of the Village Voice since March, 2007. He started writing about Scientology in 1995. You can reach him by e-mail at email@example.com, and if you ask nicely he’ll put you on his mailing list for notifications of new stories, which tend to come out each and every morning at 8 am, but can suddenly appear at any time of the day. You can also catch his alerts at Twitter (@VoiceTonyO), at his Facebook author page, on Pinterest, a Tumblr, and even this new Google Plus doohickey.
New readers might want to check out our primer, “What is Scientology?” Another good overview is our series from last summer, “Top 25 People Crippling Scientology.” At the top of every story, you’ll see the “Scientology” category which, if you click on it, will bring up all of our most recent stories. As for our regular features, on Thursdays we do a roundup of world press, on Fridays we visit L. Ron Hubbard on the yacht Apollo circa 1969-1971, on Saturdays we celebrate the week’s best comments, and on Sundays we publish Scientology’s wacky and tacky advertising mailers that people send us.
As for hot subjects we’ve covered here, you may have heard about Debbie Cook, the former church official who rebelled and is now being sued by Scientology. You might have also heard about the Super Power Building, Scientology’s “Mecca,” whose secrets were revealed here. We also reported how Scientology spied on its own most precious object, Tom Cruise. (We wrote Tom an open letter that he has yet to respond to.) Have you seen a Scientology ad on TV lately? We debunked some of the claims in that 2-minute commercial you might have seen while watching Glee or American Idol.
Other stories have looked at Scientology’s policy of “disconnection” that is tearing families apart. You may also have heard something about the Sea Org experiences of the Paris sisters, Valeska and Melissa, and their friend Ramana Dienes-Browning. We’ve also featured Paulette Cooper, who wrote about Scientology back in the day, and Janet Reitman, Hugh Urban, and the team at the Tampa Bay Times, who write about it today. And there’s plenty more coming.