Blame Sex and the City…
Today brings us news of the “Burberry bandit,” a man who reportedly robbed 14 Manhattan banks to fuel his high-fashion addiction, according to the New York Post.
Cornell Neilly, 21, supposedly used the haul from the heists to buy “$400 sneakers and a Burberry shirt” which he allegedly wore during one of the robberies. Experts cited by the Post give Neilly big props. They say he ranks second in criminal fashionability, after socialite bank robber Patty Hearst.
While it’s easy to poke fun at Neilly’s supposed need for haute couture, you shouldn’t! For this string of serial incidents brings up a more important point: What should you wear to rob a bank?
Without further ado, here are our suggestions…
Game of Death/Kill Bill Tracksuit
Stealth is key for any thief. This bright-yellow getup and matching sneakers come in a breathable, space-age material, so that you can walk and run without making any noise. You’ll also know how to ride a motorcycle without any practice. Magic!
Whipped Cream Leotard
When police investigate crimes, they tend to ask witnesses to describe the perp — including their clothes. Sure, you could change into another getup to avoid capture. And sure, you could destroy the old outfit so there’s no evidence against you. But wouldn’t make more sense to wear something edible? This way, there will be no proof that you sported said outfit — or that it even exists! Plus, dairy products are rich in calcium and vitamin D, which help prevent osteoporosis.
Note: This one is ONLY for cat burglars — not burglar cats.
Charlize Theron’s Skin
It might be hard convincing this starlet to lend you her skin for a day of bank robbing debauche — she is really busy, being famous and all, and probably needs her skin for Prometheus parties and the like. Still, if she agrees, tellers will be like, “Whoa! Were you in Ocean’s 11? George Clooney is the last great movie star! Take all our money, please!” And you’ll have to say, “No, that was Julia Roberts; I was in The Italian Job. No, the remake — not the original. Well, actually, it wasn’t me — it was the woman whose skin this belongs to but still, Mini Coopers, right?”
By law, juries cannot convict criminals if there’s reasonable doubt they didn’t commit the crime. One way to put to do this is to put to question the ID of the perp, such as with a disguise. With a fingerstache, you can quickly add or remove facial hair. “Was the robber mustachioed?” detectives will surely ask, “or was the robber clean-shaven?” Some witnesses will say “yes;” others will say “no.” The cops will scratch their heads in confusion and proceed to eat Milkbones, like Martin Riggs in one of the 18 Lethal Weapon movies, and never, ever solve the mystery.
People in tuxedos don’t commit crimes. Think of Penguin. Totally a standup guy!
Hamburglar Mask and Cape
Childhood obesity is a serious problem in the U.S. Many Americans, inspired by Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” campaign, have decided to fight fattening snacks and promote fresh, healthy alternatives for children. This costume leverages said hamburger-hate to your advantage. Instead of noticing your burgling, they’ll fear your influence on kids’ dietary habits. Leave the tie at home, though. It’s 2012, no need to be so formal, silly!
Follow Victoria Bekiempis @vicbekiempis.