These Artists Should Sell Coffins As Merch


Sorry to throw salt in your New Year’s revelry, but as something begins, so too something ends. And that makes us think about death. Because we’re sick. And practical. Sickly practical. Practically sick.

ANYWAY, the imminence of death begs an essential question: how will you be buried? It’s never too early to start thinking about feathering your final resting place in style. After all, it will be your last opportunity for personal expression. Unfortunately, there is a dearth of music-themed coffins. Apart from the famous KISS Kasket (in which the late Dimebag Darrell now rests), music fans are limited to the few caskets and urns that can tastefully accommodate stickers and posters of the artists with whom they wish to spend eternity. The Egyptians buried their pharaohs with gold and cats. We, too, want to surround our remains with idols. More music artists should sell coffins as merch. These five, for instance…

5. Miley Cyrus
The Miley Cyrus coffin comes in two styles: the Miley Stewart and the Hannah Montana. Patterned after the dual personalities of Cyrus’s roles on her Disney TV show, these choices are particularly suitable for anyone whose sunny childhood ended with too many bong hits. For an additional cost, “Party in the U.S.A.” will play whenever the coffin is opened, lending a sense of fun to any future exhumation.

4. Alice Cooper
It’s hard to believe Alice hasn’t created this already. (He beheads himself every show.) We imagine this coffin is themed circa his Billion Dollar Babies era; naturally, “I Love the Dead” is inscribed on the outside, and the inside is lined with snakeskin. Superfans may opt in for the retro “Love It to Death” upgrade, which includes drippy black eye makeup applied to one’s corpse as well as a top hat and cane. Truly “sick things” may select either a black widow spider or a python to provide companionship in the hereafter.

3. Lady GaGa
Like Alice Cooper, Lady GaGa delights in simulating her death onstage, so for her the merch coffin is an obvious fit. The GaGa coffin is characterized by its fabulousness: it is shaped like a heel-less platform shoe, bedazzled with sequins, and splattered with blood. It can be modified for Monsters of all shapes and sizes, every last one of them proud to have Died This Way.

2. Ozzy Osbourne
Blessed with freakishly good health that defies medical explanation, Ozzy may outlive us all. But for fans who are not so fortunate, there is The Prince of Darkness Urn. Simple, forged from black onyx (thought to protect from negative energy), the urn is marked with a golden cross. Ashes therein will enjoy a peaceful repose atop any mantlepiece or home entertainment center. Lift the lid, and “Mr. Crowley” emanates from within, perfuming the air with the song of afterlife.

1. Justin Bieber
The Bieber Coffin: for Beliebers who succumbed to Bieber Fever. For some, the pain of unrequited love is just too much for their adolescent hearts to bear. Sadly, these tweens may find themselves in need of a gentle place to lay their aggrieved heads once the fever has taken its toll. The Bieber Coffin is designed with them in mind, as sweet nothings recorded by Bieber himself will whisper into the deceased’s ears for as long as the batteries last (the coffin comes with an equivalent of 100 iPhone battery lives). Each model is outfitted with a life-sized Bieber wax replica adorned with angel wings, custom-fitted to encircle the Belieber’s remains. Thus, nestled forever in Bieber’s winged arms, the departed resides in blissful infinity.

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