New York

The Five Worst Kinds Of Party Hosts


I didn’t get this out of one of Joan Crawford‘s old books.

I got it from experience–years and years of experience.

Here are the hostesses with the leastest, IMHO:

(1) The ones that don’t say hello when a guest arrives. They wait for the guest to eventually make the first move.

That’s appalling behavior for a host, who should be sincerely air kissing each and every person that walks in the door! You should act like they’re doing you a favor, not vice versa. A meet-and-greet is nothing without the initial greeting! You can’t have sex without the foreplay!

(2) The one who stands in a corner the whole night, letting themselves be monopolized by one person or one group.

Again, appalling! Rotten! Wrong! A host must flutter around the room and treat all the guests equally, or there will be some seriously bad word of mouth afterwards. Make everyone feel welcome. That’s your job! If you don’t like that job, then don’t throw a party!

(3) Bitches nonstop about why the party could be better.

“The weather is bad…There must be train delays and it’s hard to get a cab…After the holiday, people are partied out….I made the party for too early a time. People are probably just getting home from work….There was a plane crash last week and no one feels like celebrating….” SHUT UP! You’re ruining your own party with Debbie Downer talk! Emphasize the positive and make sure people have fun–don’t assault them wiith your imagined hard luck tales. Besides, they already were having fun until you started bitching.

(4) Doesn’t present a variety of treats for the guests.

You can’t just put out a plate of crackers and cheese, even in a bad economy! It’s not just cheap, it doesn’t take into account the fact that lots of people are dairy intolerant and/or just plain pissy. Have some veggie things and some meat things and some bread things. You can do it on a budget and it will still look like you’re an equal opportunity entertainer.

(5) Keeps saying “Are you having fun? Are you having a good time? Huh?”

It’s OK to care about your guests’ needs, but the constant annoyance of a host asking banal questions like that becomes a hideous distraction from whatever enjoyment they were having. No one can have fun when someone’s constantly wondering if they’re doing so. Just engage them in small talk, flattery, food, and drinks, and I guarantee a grand old time. Trust Mikey. This is what I do for a lifestyle!

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