One of New York’s most laudable qualities is its access to anonymity. In a city of nearly 8.5 million people, it’s easy to go unnoticed or to never be seen again by someone. (Think about all those Tinder duds who have been simply relegated to brunch fodder that you still haven’t bumped into on the subway!) But with the November 20 release of Adele’s third studio album 25, being inconspicuous is pretty much no longer an option. You are going to cry in public — because, what? You’re not going to be playing this album everywhere you go the colder and darker it gets? What every music fan worth his or her salt needs right now is a host of protective armor to shield themselves from Adele Feels. And while we can’t provide you with helpful hints on how to refrain from texting your exes and other heartbreakers, we can heartily encourage you to scrub your contacts of dangerous phone numbers and a offer a list of places to go across the boroughs where crying is totally acceptable. (We cannot guarantee you won’t end up in someone’s Snapchat story if you go too hard.)
The G, 7 and A Trains
If you feel inclined to take your tear ducts’ talents underground, these three lines are your best bet. While the G train’s reputation for being inconsistent is mostly a myth (it runs every 20 minutes, people!), shedding some tears on the platform might get you confused for someone with untamable impatience instead of a sap who’s been waiting four long years for the same kind of “Someone Like You” tug at the heart strings. If the A is in closer proximity to you, you’re in luck: It’s the longest line in the city and you’re more likely to be traveling with zoned out passengers who won’t notice your silent sobs. (Plus, once you get to the majesty of the Rockaways, no one will blame you if they catch you mid-cry.) As for the 7, well, you don’t have much more time to do it, but if you want to use it to get your ya-yas out the day the album drops, you might find some scattered Mets die-hards who still haven’t gotten over the World Series loss and could use a hug just as much as you do.
Any Payphone Bank
These are probably the most private public places in all of New York City. You know what people use payphone booths for now? To talk on their cell phones without distraction. That means you won’t be halting anyone from doing their business — unless you happen to choose one that doubles as a bathroom. Then, you might be standing in someone else’s business and that’s whole other thing to cry about.
The Metropolitan Museum of Art
1000 5th Ave.
The Met is perfect because the admission is donation-based, plus it is sprawling and crammed with nooks and crannies and multiple staircases. But your best bet is to immediately head for the Rodin sculptures. Some of them appear to be in so much agony that the fit you’re having over how perfectly Adele captured your feelings in her own words could easily be mistaken as you mimicking one of the copper statues for the perfect museum selfie. And hey, you’re not a plebe, right? Pretend the art is moving you, anyway.
The Corner Table At Veselka
144 2nd Ave.
Don’t even lie like you haven’t, at least once, found yourself alone here at 4 AM, dripping tears over a plate of pierogis. Why not pick a safe space?
Outside of Your Favorite Bar in Williamsburg, Greenpoint or Bushwick
Is your preferred watering hole in any of these north Brooklyn neighborhoods still open? Well, it probably won’t be for long. Former patrons of Beloved (674 Manhattan Ave.) or Tandem Bar (236 Troutman St.) already have their ersatz mourning venue, and Nita Nita (164 Wythe Ave.) fans will soon have their own reason to stand outside and cry, too. But let’s face reality: With the rents increasing monthly, the place you love to throw back a Jameson on the rocks or a Lagunitas is probably not long for these neighborhoods. And if your go-to is still open and doesn’t seem threatened to shutter any time soon, that’s no matter: Someone will just think you’re a drunk-crier, not fervently listening to Adele yearn for contact with her ex.
Staten Island Ferry on a Saturday Night
4 Whitehall St., Manhattan
1 Bay St., Staten Island
Speaking of drunk-crying, everyone on this boat is going to be wasted and they will not notice that you’re wistfully watching the city lights twinkle atop New York Harbor. Like a weekend LIRR or Metro North train (which locals know as a “vomit comet”), no one cares what anyone else is doing on their way to and from Manhattan. Literally no one! They are too busy yelling and chugging vodka out of a Poland Spring bottle to pay you any mind. But the MTA commuter trains’ interior lighting is way too bright, so stick to the waterway and you’ll find yourself in particularly profound and glittering moments to and from Shaolin. Plus, it’s free to ride.
This is a weird one because Sephora is a beauty product Wonka factory with a generous sample policy and ample place for a post-work, pre-happy hour touch-up when you’ve left your own make-up at home. This is also exactly why it’s on the list, as it’s an ideal location for burying your face in a sheet mask display while “Million Years Ago” plays cooly in your headphones, blocking out the store’s overblown EDM while kvelling about your memories of lovers past. Pretend some celebrity perfume was a little too pungent — it probably is! — and that’s why you’re tearing up. And when you’ve taken your third deep breath and calmed down, take advantage of their multiple tissue boxes, march yourself over to the Benefit display and freshen up. You have other places to cry with Adele to get to!
Trader Joe’s After Work
Here’s the scenario: It’s cold, it’s dark far too early, and you need healthy food for cheap. You were going to Trader Joe’s after the final work whistle blew, right? Why not spend your time on the line to even get into the place (or on the line to crowd to get cheese, or on the line to check out the overflowing frozen food section before finally hitting the snaking queue to cash out) tapping back into old feelings or even concocting visions of future heartache while you wait?
Laguardia Landing Lights
25 Ave., between 78 St. and 79 St., Queens
This city park where you can watch planes takeoff and land from New York’s lesser airport is certainly the most romantic place on the list. If you feel like making the schlep out to northern Queens expressly to get out your “Send My Love (to Your New Lover)” sniffling, you can do it here and easily be mistaken for someone watching their loved one leave. Bonus points for being able to pretend you’re playing the most maudlin movie role of your life.
Mouse House at the Bronx Zoo
2300 Southern Boulevard, Bronx
“Mouse House” is a cute enough name, but you guys, this is the worst place in the Bronx Zoo. Yes, chinchillas and fennec foxes are totally adorable, but the deeper (and darker) you get into the tunnel, the gnarlier the rodents on display get. Beadier eyes and thicker tails — they might as well be mutations of the comparative little guys you see in the Union Square tracks. Sheesh, you don’t even need to be mourning an ex to be crying here. In fact, this might be the only place where Adele will soothe you.
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